Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present
Cop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where's my present?!
The other night, I asked my dad how far away are we from dinner?
My brother pulled out some measuring tape, asked me to hold one end as he held the other end and walked towards the oven. "…. about 12 feet." 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 bro is basically a certified dad now
What do you call a cube with many friends?
A platonic solid
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.
Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.
Problem with pay equality is that men tend to go for higer paying jobs
…like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.
Why did the tomato quit his job?
Because they weren't paying him a good enough monthly celery.
I never say curse words
I swear
I’ve lost my scapegoat.
I have nobody to blame but myself.
What does the horse say after falling?
“Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up”
I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex
He’s a small arms dealer.
When you try to fix a minor bug and expose a fundamental flaw in the core design
https://ift.tt/2Q9AxGf
What’s the difference between vegans and strippers?
Vegans rub it in your face for free.
What’s the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving eachother a blowjob
My new pencil can write UNDERWATER
it can write other words too
Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme…
I used to work at a calendar factory
But I got fired for taking a couple of days off.
Chocolate pie costs $1 in Jamaica and $1.25 in Aruba
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I found out today my toaster isn’t waterproof.
I was shocked.
The best dad jokes are unplanned
My family and I were in the car driving down the road the other day. My 5 year old asked for words that rhymed with blue. “Well, there’s glue, two, moo, snoo, zoo, boo..” My 8 year old chimes in, “Daddy, what’s snoo?” My immediate response? “Not much, what’s new with you?” My journey to the dark side has been complete.
There was a girl
There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, "Who made the world?" The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD! "Thats correct!" The teacher said. The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, "Who died on the cross?" The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS! "Thats correct!!" The teacher said again. The girl fell asleep again. After a while, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 99th child?" The boy poked the girl again. The girl stood up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!"
What do you call a dinosaur with shoes on?
Zapatosaurus
I’d like to tell my lasagna joke here,
…but it’s multi-layered and way too cheesy
I think I might be turning into a beach…
But I'm still not 100% shore
Male anatomy isn’t the same as female anatomy.
In fact, there’s a Vas Deferens.
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.