Me importing a whole library just for one function
I bought myself a first aid kit today.
I thought I would Treat myself.
Who would win in a fight. Athletes or Prisoners?
It's hard to say, they have their pros and their cons.
I named my overweight cat Kelvin
Because he is an absolute unit.
My daughter came home from school screaming at me
"Iâve just had sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before marriage, my boyfriend will die!" I put down my paper: âOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.â â
To the guy who stole my antidepressants the other day.
I hope youâre happy now.
I cannot believe there’s no cure for obesity yet.
I thought it would be a walk in the park.
I went to visit a psychic,
I knocked on her front door and she yelled âWho is itâ? So I left
Top 3 invisible things
1) 2) 3)
I couldnât find my car scraper this morning so had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice…
Didnât really work though, I only got 20% off
My wife is mad at me, says I have no sense of direction…
So I packed all my bags and right.
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?â
Smiling, I replied, âTiny!" My kid laughed and asked, âWhat an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?â I explained, âBecause…heâs my newt!"
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those that understand binary, and those who don't.
I sat my son down and said, âLook son, in life if you act like a pussy then youâll never get any pussyâ
My wife said, âMatthew, how dare you use that language in front of him?â I said, âSorry dear, it wonât happen againâ My son said, âI see what you mean Dad.â
Why did the Duck cross the road?
Because the Chicken retired and moved to Connecticut.
Halloween dad joke
why don't skeletons go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with haha
My mum was a 100M runner and my dad was a marathon runner.
Sadly, no one approved of their relationship. In the old days no one like mixed race marriages.
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm.
She had the nerve to spit it out on the floor.
What did the nut say when chasing the other nut?
Iâm a cashew
Educated people are hot
Because the have got more degrees ! ( Read this one in an old book ! )
The opposite of isolate is
yousoearly.
My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
What do you call the bad side of Italy?
The spaghetto
Only one person can stop LeBron
That's LeBrain….
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
We wouldnât know, the women always get to keep the house.
A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl…
One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and immediately heads straight to his apartment, gun tucked in the back of her pants as a failsafe in case things get ugly. Not bothering to knock, she bursts into her boyfriend's apartment to find him and a brunette cuddled up on the couch. As the reality sinks in, the blonde is overcome with complete despair and rage. She whips the gun out and holds it to her own head. The boyfriend leaps off the couch and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The blonde, a vile look in her crazed eyes, entirely devoid of that love she once knew, snarls, "Shut up. You're next."
I went to the doctors for the first time in a long while. He told me I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass
I told him itâs just the tip of the iceberg
Two faced
When my daddy first seen me, he said "oh look, he's got my smile". Mom said "That's his backside, turn him over."
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him
âI want to be President one day.â Trump says, âAre you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?â The kid replies, âYou know what, Iâve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.â
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He's now a seasoned veteran.
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it – Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.' Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
Does this creepy lighter that I found in an antique shop today count as Boomer Humor?
https://ift.tt/37jjVAQ
We were about to witness our first autopsy in medical school. My friend said, âWhat do you think itâll be like?â
I said, âRemains to be seen.â