Me in CS-101 writing my first insertion sort algorithm, 2014 [Colorized]
A short Irish guy tricked me into giving him money for his skin disease.
I should’ve known it was a Leper-con.
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
I’m not addicted to cocaine.
I just like the way it smells.
A millennial buying a home
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Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.
I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"
Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?
Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything
An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.
The priest explains his process: « the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lord. » The imam replies: « Now that’s very clever! I actually have a similar process. What I do at first is take the money and place myself at my mosque’s entrance with one foot outside and the other one inside. Then I throw the money up in the air and what falls outside is for me while the money that falls inside is for Allah » The priest nods his head with approval at the imam’s explanation. The rabbi who looks clearly offended by both their explanations says: « I can’t even begin to believe what I’m hearing! How dare you do such a thing!? And you call yourselves men of faith! I’d never resort to the use of fancy shmancy theatrics to determine how the money is divided between God and me! All I do is take the money, throw it up in the air and whatever god needs he takes while what’s left is mine.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door." The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you? "Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us?" "You should go outside and help the poor man." Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out, "Do you still need a push?" In the distance he hears a reply, "Yes Please." "Where are you?" to which he hears, "Over here on the swing set."
What do you call an Emo A capella group?
Self Harmony
My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.
What do you call the owner of a waterproof clothing company?
The head poncho.
I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
The doctors said that my blood was type-A
But that was a type-O
The NFL has this obscure rule where players aren’t allowed to own pet ducks.
It’s considered to be a personal fowl.
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.
She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.” She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”, Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE… She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
It's not hard
Today we are learning about mitosis!
Now, I’m gonna need your undivided attention.
I used to hate facial hair
but then it grew on me
Everything’s great in your digestive system
Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit
While most puns make me feel numb,
mathematics puns make me feel number.
What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
Dear me it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantitiy to impair my speech
A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license.
He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses." I said: “Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
Boobs are like legos
They're really for the kids, but the dads always end up playing with them
My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day
Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts – Made in China."
What do you call a ghost’s boobs?
Paranormal entitties.
The Testicular Cancer Clinic called me to ask whether I got their email. I said no.
They said, “Maybe you should check your junk.”
Nice Dad
Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home. Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
My wife treats me as if I’m a god.
She acts like I don't exist until she wants something.
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.
I got into a car accident with a little person.
He got out and said, "I'm not happy!" So I asked, "Well, which one are you, then?"
The guys who wrote the song “Maneater” started a horse-feed delivery service.
They called it "Haulin' Oats."