Me irl
Why did the sun not go to college?
He already has a million degrees
My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.
When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.
I was going to share a joke about planes.
But I do not think it will take off.
What do you call a french man wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillop
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?" Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
I thought a had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my imagine Asian.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
Wife: whatever means necessary. Me: No it doesn't.
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
I was at a restaurant with my wife when a waitress suddenly screamed, “Does anyone know CPR??”
I shouted, "Even better, I know the whole alphabet!" Everyone laughed… Well, everyone except this one guy.
Did my first Uber shift last night till 5am and I forgot to charge each customer.
All that work and nothing to chauffeur it
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
I’ve met a noble Russian homosexual
His name was Sir Gay
The teacher can’t figure out who’s eating and interrupting them
The teacher can’t figure out who’s eating and interrupting them
My five year old…
..and I are watching a movie Me: Why are those piranha's biting that guys butt? My five year old: Because they're BOTTOM FEEDERS! Get it?! BOTTOM FEEDERS
A man arrives to the airport with three bags
A man arrives to the airport with three bags. He walks up to the counter and says, “I have a ticket for Los Angeles. Would you be so kind as to send this bag to San Francisco, this one to Miami, and if at all possible this one to Japan?” The gate agent replies, “Sir, that is flatly impossible!” He counters, “That’s a lie, you did it last time I flew with you guys and I didn’t even ask!”
I don’t trust French food
It always gives me the crêpes
When my mum became a vegan, I couldn’t recognize her
It's like I've never seen Her-bivore
I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny
Because he's my newt
9/11 Jokes aren’t funny.
But the other 2 are.
What does a house wear?
Address
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, “I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, “The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
My astrology teacher asked me about my horoscope.
I said, "I'm not too fussy as long as it doesn't have ghosts in."
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings…
I have a complex complex complex…
That’s a nice ham you got there…
Be a shame if someone put an S in front of it and an E behind it.
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.
He says “uno, dos…” poof. He disappeared without a tres.
Knock knock / Who’s there? / Broken pencil / Broken pencil who?
Nevermind it’s pointless.
I was walking along the other day and stepped in dog shit.
As I was wiping my shoe, I watched another guy also step in it. I said to him "I just did that". He walked over, punched me in the face and screamed, "You disgusting bastard!".
For those who suffer from paranoia, please remember you’re not alone.
They’re always watching.