Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
Instructor: don't lick my lips again.
What do you call a fight between E.T. and a man with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
I hate Russian dolls
they're so full of themselves.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokeyā¦
But then I turned myself around.
How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
The most notable difference is whether you see them later or in a while…
A married couple was in a terrible accident…
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Dating a single mother
Is like continuing from someone elseās saved game
“For God so loved the world that he sent his condom baby to whine for ‘our’ sins.”
https://ift.tt/2EQP7eT
A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock
"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up." So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder. At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him, "So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?" The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool, "Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn't drink much… just a couple of beers." The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds, "The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck."
Anyone Can Fall in Love
There were two antennas on top of a skyscraper collecting radio signals. They meet, fall in love and decide to get married. The wedding wasnāt much to talk about, but the reception was excellent. š
Teacher asked āWhat is the formula of water?ā Student said āH I J K L M N Oā teacher said āthatās not the formula of waterā
Student said āyou said the formula was H to Oā.
I’m beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn’t actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
Why are Lawyers buried 12 Feet Under?
Deep down they're really good people
Iām a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old…
Any tips for burying him?
I dated a communist once. I had no idea. She seemed sweet. But it did NOT end well
Honestly I should have noticed all the red flags
A drunk old man stumbles into a bar . . .
Itās the roughest bar at the end of the roughest street in town. Itās full of the scariest, meanest bikers you ever saw. Swaying slightly, he scans the room and stops when he finds the biggest, toughest-looking guy in the place. He stumbles over to the guyās table, points at him and says in a loud voice: āI FUCKED YER GRAMA, YOU SON OF A BITCH!ā Place goes dead quiet. The big guy doesnāt move, but he also doesnāt take his eyes off the old man. āYou hear me, asshole?! I FUCKED her every which way for HOURS, and you know what? She LOVED it!!She BEGGED for more! What do ya think of THAT?!ā The biker says nothing. This just makes the old man angrier. āWhatās the matter with ya, ya pussy? Aināt you got nothing to say?!ā Slowly, the massive biker rises to his feet . . . . . . and says . . . āLetās get you home, Grampa. Youāre drunk.ā
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself ādonāt get a boner.ā
Then she did and my day was ruined.
Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet? …
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
Can vegans eat pudding?
No! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!?
Iām worried Iāve become very obsessed with Wonder Woman, Black Widow and Captain Marvel lately.
I think I might be a heroine addict.
What’s the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.
What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA
Kicked out of the petting zoo
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused on my trip to Japan
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
Found out I was color blind the other day.
That one came right out of the orange.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He PASTAway
Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.
Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge…
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work…. The ass hole is usually in charge
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
Peanut oil is made from peanuts. Olive oil is from olives..
I'm not ever buying any more baby oil.
A politicians promise
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were. āWe have 2 basic needs sir,ā replied the villager. āFirstly, we have a hospital, but thereās no doctor.ā On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem. āSecondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.ā
I accidentally joined an organization…
I accidentally joined a pro-secession organization. When I tried to leave, I was elected as their chairman. EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.