Me me cry boy
A man walks into a library and asks for a book about lubricants.
The librarian points him towards the non-friction section.
Republicans must be flipping their shit over this blatant nepotism within our government!
https://ift.tt/37vjKDx
How did Jesus stay so ripped?
Pontius Pilates and CrossFit
Doctor: are you sexually active?
me: No, I kinda just lie there. wife: THIS- [takes off doctor costume] this is why we never role play anymore!
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A – meano -acid
Trump walks into a bar
and lowers it
If number 666 is evil,
then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.
What two things can you never eat for Breakfast?
Lunch and Dinner (not an original, but I thought it was funny :p)
Innovative Solutions
In order to streamline my work from home process, I’ve hired my cat as a part-time advisor.User: My laptop won’t connect to the VPN.Me: Consults my advisorMe: Have you tried pushing it off of the table and onto the floor?
What’s the difference between a computer and an American?
An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
I can’t see an end, have no control and don’t think there’s any escape! I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard!!
Perhaps this is the reason Moscow Mitch can’t agree on impeachment trial terms with Trump
https://ift.tt/35yTXJc
My brother couldn’t pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
Is this sub dead?
No one's posted here all decade… (Regards from New Zealand)
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.” “No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.” “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”
my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.
Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.
If I had 50 cents for every time I failed a math test,
I'd have $7.20 right now.
When I was in college, I used to live on a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump!
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. -Emo Philips
A Chinese man enters a Jew’s lingerie store…
-I want 20 black bras size 85 D. The Jew: -Of course, but black is rare color, so their price is 15$ for each one. -It does not matter, said the Chinese, -I'll pay. He took the purchase and left. After a week the Chinese returns again. -I want 30 black bras size 85 D. -Yes, of course, said the Jew, -but it's so hard to get them, so now their price jumped to $25 for each one. -It does not matter, I'll pay. said the Chinese, paying for the purchase. A week later, he comes again to the Store Jew. -I want 100 black bras size 85 D! -Yes, but their price has jumped a lot, the Jew said, -it is extremely difficult to deliver them; Now they are 55$ for each one, -It does not matter, I'll pay, replied the Chinese. As the jew packed the order, angry with curiosity, he asked: -Excuse me, but can you tell me what do you do with so many bras? -I cut them in the middle and sell as Jewish caps for 200$.
The wage gap isn’t real
Men just go for higher paying jobs like doctor, CEO, lawyer ect. Where as women pick lower paying jobs like female doctor, female lawyer, and female CEO
Punguins
/r/puns/comments/gm62au/heard_of_the_extinct_species_that_used_to_cohabit/
Apparently you cant use “beefstew” as a password
I must not be strogonough (strong enough)