Me: See? To prove I’m not a boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?
Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!
Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..
Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
Why are leopards so bad at playing hide and seek?
Because they're always spotted.
A programmer gets sent to the store by his wife. His wife says, “Get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer returns home with 12 gallons of milk and says, “They had eggs.”
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn’t last long for fat people.
How do you make Easter easier?
Replace the t with an i.
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Cause he didn't want to be spotted!
A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, “Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution.”
A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution." Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop – and sure enough – there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution." He knocks and a wizened old nun opens the door. "$50 bucks to get fucked in here," she says. The man forks over the money and runs inside. He goes down a long hallway and comes to another door. He knocks and a moderately attractive nun answers. "$100 to get fucked by the Sisters of Mercy, friend." He hands over the cash, runs through the door, down another hallway, and knocks on the door at the end. A stunningly beautiful nun opens the door and says, "$500, best fucking of your life, just through here." The man hands over the money, runs through the door and finds himself outside. The door slams shut behind him, and above the door he sees a sign. "You have just been fucked by the Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
Me- “You gave me one too many” Shopkeeper- “that one is a freebie”
Stolen off of r/memes. Go support the original poster. I’ll put his account in the comments
https://ift.tt/2WYsJdm
What’s a pirates least favourite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
My aunts sign was cancer so her death was ironic….
Eaten alive by a giant ass crab
A college girl finds out she’s pregnant….
She doesn't know who the father is, so she goes to every dude on the campus she recently had sex with, tells them "I'm pregnant." Luckily the guy was found when his newly developed senses made him answer: "Hi pregnant. I'm dad."
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, NO ATMOSPHERE
My best mate told me he was totally into Beyonce.
I said "whatever floats your boat mate" He said "No, thats buoyancy"
– Do you know I’m finally going to watch “Back to the Future”?
– It's about time!
I once won a fight that was five against one.
We really kicked the shit out of that guy.
“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’
She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"
My wife just left me because I’m too insecure…
Never mind. She just came back. She went to get a cup of coffee.
Sting in bed the other night, I asked my wife, “Honey, if I died, would you let your next husband have my recliner”?
She replies, “Well it would be a waste not to, he may find it comfortable”. Then I ask, “What about my boat”? And she says, “I just don’t think you will be needing your boat after your gone. We may retire and do a lot of fishing”. So I did some thinking and asked, “How about my truck, surely you’ll sell it because all of the memories of us riding in it together will be too much for you to bear and too awkward with your next husband”. She replies, “You know, it is paid for with low miles, I’ll probably hang on to it”. Then, getting kinda nervous, I said, “Well SURELY you wont let him have my golf clubs”? To which my wife responds, “Oh no honey, don’t worry about that, he’s left handed”.
My wife asked me if I want a handjob or regular sex
I : handjob definitely . She(surprised) : why is that? I : because one in the hand is worth two in the bush
What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Patty O'Furniture.
I made a chicken salad today.
Stupid bird wasn’t even grateful.
I named my WiFi network after my wife.
They’re both super temperamental, and seem to have an issue with me streaming porn to the bedroom.
With all the bad things happenning in america right now,
you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.
So a man walks into a bar..
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100 000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250 000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500 000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500 000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
My wife sent me an article that says men’s beards have more germs than dogs.
I said of course. There are no dogs in my beard. https://imgur.com/B7mUpUc
Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together…
The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but… Again a tuna sandwich?" The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too… Again!" The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same too…" The next day, they have lunch together and again they eat tuna sandwiches. And the next day again, and again and again, till when the brunette girl can't take it anymore and says: "That's it! If I have to eat a tuna sandwich one more time I swear I throw myself out of the window!" The other two agree. She opens the lunchbox, finds a tuna sandwich and jumps off to her death. The readhead opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich and throws herself off. The blonde opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich as well, and off she goes. The next day, the three husbands are at the funeral of the three girls, shocked and desperate. The brunette's husband says: "She could have told me she was sick of tuna sandwiches… How could I have expected…". The readhead's husband too goes: "I though she loved tuna…why, why couldn't she just asked for an other lunch?". The blonde's husband is shocked. In disbelief he mumbles:" I just don't understand… She prepared her own meals!"