Me: Sir, you can’t give me a ticket for speeding. I am planning to run a Marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Why did the bowling alley close down?
The staff went on strike.
As soon as you find someone with 10,000 bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they’re a keeper.
My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames
I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands
If you’ve never tried blindfolded archery, let me tell you…
You don’t know what you’re missing.
Why did the soda factory worker quit his job?
It was too much fizzical labor.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know but the flag is a big plus.
Doctor: “I’ll be delivering your baby”
Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"
Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.
Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it. While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"
I’m so upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go
A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God!" THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".
Bad knock-knock joke #1
Knock, knock. Who's there? Spell. Spell who? Okay, W-H-O.
Last night I lost my watch at a party.
Later on I saw some guy harassing a woman while standing on it, so I walked up and punched him in the face. Nobody does that to a woman…. not on my watch
What happened to Napoleon when he got struck by a cannon ball?
He was blown apart.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat.
The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit!?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says… Hair Spray — Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step.
I think I’m being stalked.
A high school is having a talent show.
The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it. A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs. The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher obliges. The girl says into the microphone, "I think I should get good with the cherry stem before I try anything smaller."
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
Say what you will about Vlad the Impaler…
…the guy knew how to make a point.
“This egg carton has a barncode.”
https://i.redd.it/q7jnircmftq41.jpg
I was using the ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance
So I pushed her over
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
What happens when you give the sun a gun?
It becomes a shooting star.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B
How do you tell a dad joke from a bad joke?
Trust me, the difference is apparent.
Never tell a secret in a cornfield
There are too many ears
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything
Why is North Korea worse than South Korea?
They have no Seoul .
Dad, what does doubting mean?
Son: Dad, what does doubting mean? Dad: Hmmm… I'll give you a practical example: who do you love more? Daddy or Mommy? Son: answers without hesitation Mommy Dad: ಠ_ಠ Then go ask her! She will explain! Don't bother me I aint got no time to waste!
What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?
I’ve won, but at what cost?
What do you call 2 fat goths?
Morbidly obese. I know I shouldnt joke about obese people they've got enough on their plate.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony…
…of my ribbon-repair business yesterday…
Six topless women sounds nice
Dozen tit
Just spent $300 dollars on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn’t include a driver……
Cant believe i just spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.