Me telling my dad I’m bisexual:
Me: okay, so. I would identify as bisexual.
Dad: and that means you would have a male partner
Dad: and a female partner.
Dad: and that means your bi
Dad: so that means if you don’t have a partner your on standbi.
Me: did you just
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
and I have Palm Sunday.
I didn't want to interrupt her
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window? It looks like rain, dear.
But that’s just my two scents.
It's okay, the teacher woke him up!
He suffered from hamnesia.
I asked, "Who is this guy?" My grandfather said, "He's my hip replacement."
I failed a health and safety course yesterday. One of the questions was ‘in the event of a fire, what steps would you take?’
‘Large ones’ was apparently the wrong answer.
She’s a mathemachicken
Doctors said the man had died from dissin’ Terry
But then I was born.
My partner thinks Adidas, but I think Reebok is a good name for a baby boy.
I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.
Judge: "Repeat infractions?" Me: "Ok, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!"
A house brick.
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
So I handed her the divorce papers and said “may div orce be with you”
I'd have a pound.
But I can never get a straight answer.
it's where I flip your MOM over
She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
You're an eighth theist
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. “I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. “No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.” The dentist then returns and says, “Here is a Viagra tablet.” The patient says, “Wow – I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain pill.!” “It doesn’t,” said the dentist and continued: “But it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.”
Jesus asks for a table for 26. The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.” Jesus says, “Yeah, but we’re all going to sit on the same side.”
Nobody knew why.
It was a big success. Everyone came. You should have see her face.
When it's full groan.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it can’t be found on the first page of a google search using keywords and it isn’t a quick edit of an existing template, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!
Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] …“The men I please are none of your damn business!”
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?” “Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.” “Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
It means a lot.
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?” – We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.