I lost my mood ring today.
I'm not sure how I feel about it.
Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business
Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions
..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.
Since then my muggings have been way more successful.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
What do you call cheese that isnt yours..?
Oh sorry, Havarti told you this one?
You should never date someone with a lazy eye
They might be seeing someone on the side
I realized this while watching The Matrix Reloaded
I realized this while watching The Matrix Reloaded
I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.
But nobody will do it.
Donald Trump asks the Queen the advice
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I’m 72% jesus.
I'm also 100% in prision.
I, for one
Like Roman numerals
Why did the man work in a barn for hus whole life?
Because is was a stable career
What kind of flour do you buy an orphan
Self raising flour
I ate a clock today.
It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.
Most people know that Sin City is Vegas… But do they know what Den City is?
Mass divided by volume
My friend can’t afford his water bill…
So I sent him a "Get well soon" card.