“me too, kid” was never funny
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio. Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States. “Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked. His father pointed at a map towards North America. “Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his father. The man pointed towards the Soviet Union. “And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?” The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British. “Where is Germany again, Father?” He pointed to their home country in Central Europe. Hans pondered this information for a second. “One last question, Father.” “Yes?” “Has Hitler seen this map?”
Euro-English
As a part of Brexit negotiations, the European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will remain the official language of the European Union rather than German, which has been regarded by many as a better choice. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Bob….’ Bob was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home…. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell….. 'BOB, wake up……. You've shit the bed!
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What exactly happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
Why do cemeteries have walls and fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in! (My dad told me this one when we drove past a cemetery one day lol)
I’m really upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go!?
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A cold shoulder.
Never iron a four leaf clover…
You don't want to press your luck…
What rises when you sit on it?
A camel.
I don’t get why Marvel didn’t put advertisements on the Hulk
He's essentially a giant banner
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?
Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail?
She got a full sentence.
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt! Courtesy of my 11-year-old, Ben.
I love jokes about the eyes
The cornea the better
I don’t like people who take drugs…
For example, airport security.
When you take a pen name ….
… that's a nom de plume. When you take a name for war, that's a nom de guerre. When you take a name for an eating contest, that's a nom de om nom nom.
Patches of land are the only thing I find upsetting
it takes a lot to offend me
Have you ever seen a picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved?
It’s beauty was unpresidented.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
The urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” may come at any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
Losing a rifle in the army can get you a fine over over £500
I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship
How does Trump differ from terrorist organisations?
Terrorist organisations take responsibility for their actions.
A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.
For support, rather than illumination.
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower gets turned on.
Stolen off of r/memes. Go support the original poster. I’ll put his account in the comments
https://ift.tt/2WYsJdm
Where do horses go when they get sick?
The horse-pital. No I’m kidding they get shot
