Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it. A nurse does it for me. “
Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way. "
If you’re here for the yodeling lesson
please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license.
He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses." I said: “Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
Me: Hi! Do you take walk-ins?
Cremator: What
Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger’s leg…
You could hear them say: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??
A vampire walks into a bar…
A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily. Sooner than later, another vampire enters the establishment and sees his fellow child of darkness happily nursing his glass at the bar. He proceeds to sit next to him and orders the same, to which the bartender obliges and plunks down another large warm glass of blood. Finally a third vampire strolls through the door and walks confidently up to the barkeep and the other vampires. He opens his fanged mouth to speak, but the Barman interrupts him: "Let me guess…" he opines, "One large glass of warm blood?". To his surprise the vampire shakes his head. "Actually, can I have a cup of boiling water please?" The Bartender is confused but is unwilling to question the motives of a vampire, especially a vampire customer and produces the boiling water for his guest. The other vampires, also curious pause their drinking to stare at the new arrival. Sensing their curiosity the vampire simply shrugs, produces a tampon from his pocket and dunks it into the cup. "I'm making tea…"
Make sure you get plenty of sleep tonight
Tomorrow we begin a 31 day March!
My phone kept calling me Shirley this morning
I had forgotten to take it off of airplane mode.
Why are there no cats on mars?
Curiosity killed them all.
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You are the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
Three Jewish women are eating lunch. The waiter comes over and says…
is anything okay?
Why was the baker’s assistant fired?
He was loafing around.
Why did the student not learn anything at Sandpaper Class?
The class had just scratched the surface!
My 6 year old made this up while taking his bath…
Knock knock Who's there? Dwayne Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub before I dwown.
Footage of trump preparing for rally
https://ift.tt/3dmaDqK
A dwarf was pickpocketed recently.
I dont know how someone could stoop so low.
Teacher,” Tell me a sentence that starts with an ‘I’.”
Student: I is the…. Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an 'I'. Always put 'am' after an 'I'. Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Do you know the worst thing about the fire in Paris?
There's Notre Dame thing we can do about it
Bill Nye has a daughter who doesn’t believe in science.
Her name is Dee.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.
The look on his face was priceless.
You’ve got to hand it to blind prostitutes…
….no seriously, you’ve got to.
Why do men give their jackets to women when they are cold?
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
Still no toilet paper at the store today…
My dad said they’re wiped out
Dad jokes?
Well of course Dad jokes! Dad is hilarious!
I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie…
Clooney said, "I'll produce." DiCaprio said, " I'll direct." McConaughey said, " I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
My tailor really likes fixing my clothes
Or sew it seams
“I just urinated on a pregnancy test,” said my girlfriend. “I’m pregnant.”
"Are you going to keep it?" I asked. She said, "No, it stinks like wee."
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
My friends always get mad at me when I steal their kitchen utensils
But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take
When you hire entry-level developers to build a production app because you’re that cheap!
https://ift.tt/2TIj5tG
I was applying for an Australian citizenship
When the interviewer asked me ‘Do you have a criminal record?” I said “No, is that still required?”
Yesterday I was so hungry I ate a clock
It was pretty time consuming