Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it. A nurse does it for me. “
Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way. "
As an introverted entrepreneur in the coal industry…
I mined my own business.
I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.
I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
I’d like to start dieting…
…but I just have too much on my plate right now.
I used to hate facial hair.
Then it grew on me.
I told my friend that he really shouldn’t be using a straw and he replied, “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment.” I said, “Sure, there’s that…”
"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."
Got my friend with this one, she was not too happy…
Me: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. Friend: Seriously!? Who!? Me: Uh, I can't remember… I think her name was Reese something? Friend: WITHERSPOON!!?? Me: No, it was with a knife…
Unwritten rules of Life…..
1. 2. 3.
What is Yoda’s last name?
Lay hee hoo
My sewing instructor just told me that I’m the worst student she has ever seen.
Shit. Wrong thread.
Did you hear about the scarecrow who got a promotion?
He was out standing in his field.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Then it would be a foot.
Why was the baker’s assistant fired?
He was loafing around.
Anyone hear about the Mexican train bomber?
They say he had loco motives.
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they’d be be gross, but they were actually pretty good…
Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!
Guy spits out his coffee and says to the waitress ” I dont mean to be rude, but this coffee tastes like dirt”
She replys: well yea, you told me to make sure it was fresh ground
What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident…
an Irish man answered his door to find a grim-faced constable waiting in the front yard. "We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said the officer. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked. The constable said, "I have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first." The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay." "Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked,"What could possibly be the good news?" The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?" The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.
He’s standing right behind you.
A teacher asked her students to share what their dads do for a living.
Little Johnny said, "My dad's a stripper at a gay nightclub and he turns tricks in the alley way to earn extra money." The teacher was Mortified and after class she pulls little Johnny aside and ask, "Johnny is your dad really a stripper at a gay night club?!" Little Johnny said, "No. He's a reporter for CNN but I was too ashamed to say that."
I’m going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.
Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.
John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts..
A classic in honor of my cake day! John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so". "Fine", the wife sighs, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right". To which John replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Kenmore written on my forehead? I don"t think so". "Fine", she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break" "I'm not a carpenter and i don"t want to fix steps" he says, "does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so, I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!" So John goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey", he asks, "How did all this get fixed?" John's wife replied, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake". John asked, "So what kind of cake did you bake?" She replied, "hellooooo.. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
My wife said I should take out the spider instead of killing it.
I'm glad I did. We went out. Had a few drinks. Overall good guy. He's a web designer.
Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
I gave all my dead batteries away today…
Free of charge
I walked into a bookstore and asked an employee “Do you have any books by Shakespeare?”
Employee: Of course sir. Which one? Me: William.
My wife and I are both feminist
But, as a man, I'm just a bit better at it.
