Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it. A nurse does it for me. “
Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way. "
please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses." I said: “Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
You could hear them say: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??
A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily. Sooner than later, another vampire enters the establishment and sees his fellow child of darkness happily nursing his glass at the bar. He proceeds to sit next to him and orders the same, to which the bartender obliges and plunks down another large warm glass of blood. Finally a third vampire strolls through the door and walks confidently up to the barkeep and the other vampires. He opens his fanged mouth to speak, but the Barman interrupts him: "Let me guess…" he opines, "One large glass of warm blood?". To his surprise the vampire shakes his head. "Actually, can I have a cup of boiling water please?" The Bartender is confused but is unwilling to question the motives of a vampire, especially a vampire customer and produces the boiling water for his guest. The other vampires, also curious pause their drinking to stare at the new arrival. Sensing their curiosity the vampire simply shrugs, produces a tampon from his pocket and dunks it into the cup. "I'm making tea…"
Tomorrow we begin a 31 day March!
I had forgotten to take it off of airplane mode.
Curiosity killed them all.
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You are the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
is anything okay?
He was loafing around.
The class had just scratched the surface!
Knock knock Who's there? Dwayne Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub before I dwown.
I dont know how someone could stoop so low.
Student: I is the…. Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an 'I'. Always put 'am' after an 'I'. Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
There's Notre Dame thing we can do about it
Her name is Dee.
The look on his face was priceless.
….no seriously, you’ve got to.
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
My dad said they’re wiped out
Well of course Dad jokes! Dad is hilarious!
So far no one has given me a straight answer
Clooney said, "I'll produce." DiCaprio said, " I'll direct." McConaughey said, " I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
Or sew it seams
"Are you going to keep it?" I asked. She said, "No, it stinks like wee."
None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take
When the interviewer asked me ‘Do you have a criminal record?” I said “No, is that still required?”
It was pretty time consuming