Me! XD
Every Sunday I read the Times and complain to my kids about that orange haired narcissist dominating the paper by insulting and mocking everyone, especially those closest to him.
That Garfield needs to learn how to think about more than just himself and his next plate of lasagna.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua
Some alligators can grow up to 15 feet.
Most only have 4 though.
People get impressed when I tell them my home is designed by a famous Italian.
Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.
My girlfriend repeatedly kept calling me a flamingo!!
So I had to put my foot down
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.
She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one. He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
I hade to remove my oldest dagger from my knife collection
It just didn't cut it anymore
What do you call a cube with many friends?
A platonic solid
That’s a nice ham you’ve got there…
It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end…
The hairdresser asked me how I wear my hair.
I said, "Sometimes I pull it down over my face and pretend it's a balaclava."
Its important to keep some candy in your pocket at all times.
It could be a lifesaver.
What do you call a stupid fish?
A dumBass
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"
A limbo champion walks into a bar
He is disqualified
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
Despite the massive age difference, my dad was surprisingly relieved to hear I was dating Dane Cook.
He said “at least he won’t try anything funny.”
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn't like to be spotted.
Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars
How do you top a car?
Tep on the brake, tupid!
Knock knock. Who’s there. Cash.
Cash who? No thanks, but I'll take a peanut! For allergic kids: No thanks, I'm allergic!
Some guy came up to me and said, “I haven’t gone to the bathroom in two years.”
I said, "you're full of crap"
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
Me at age 10: “I wish I was a dog. They’re always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!”
Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."
My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list, so I did
Now she's mad at me because we can't read it anymore
I usually wear 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing
Last time I got a hole in one
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid!
My friend hit me with a full bottle of Coke…
But it didn't hurt, because it was a soft drink!
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ catholic
[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person…
…I was charged with impersonating a police officer.
