My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.
They all disagreed with her though.
The cat lady
Who can drink 2 liters of gasoline
Bet ya don’t know this
A man buys a lie detector robot
That slaps people who lie, and be decides to try it out on his son during dinner. “Where were you during school hours?” He asks. “At school!” His son replies. The robot slaps the boy. “Ok I was at my friends house….” His son says. “What were you doing there? “Reading comics!” The robot slaps the son again. “Ok ok!! We were watching an erotic movie…” “What?? I didn’t even know erotic movies existed when I was your age!” The dad exclaims. The robot quickly slaps him. His wife laughs and says, “Wow, he really IS your son-“ The robot slaps the wife.
Drake in Tabs vs. Spaces debate
Hassan Rouhani hates his wife too
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle…..
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle. Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters Wife: Apps Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters Wife: Teen Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters Wife: Didn’t Husband: Take a life, 4 letters Wife: Kill Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters Wife: Hymns Husband: Santa’s little helper, 3 letters Wife: Elf
Don’t be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Even in Spanish, I can’t escape it
My korean friend died last week
I finally found out what causes random out of place boners
But her emails!
Boomer Humor is international.
I made a playlist for hiking!
It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my….Trail Mix.
NameError: name ‘memeFunction’ is not defined
My dad told me he was entering an Iron Man competition then sent me this.
I’ll let you have this roof for free
It's on the house
I looked up opaque in the dictionary
But the definition is unclear.
That fixed it
A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.
He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake. "Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said. So the father visited a ton of different bakeries and did research, but found the prices to be too high. My daughter is inviting all of her friends, and I'll look bad if I don't put together a good cake, he thought. Then, he stumbled upon a shop that opened once a year to provide free cake to its customers. How quaint, the father thought, but desperate, he walked inside to see if they could provide a cake for his daughter's birthday. He was met by a Buddhist monk chanting and lighting incense. "Hello," the father asked, "I would like to buy a cake." "Of course," the monk replied, "just draw a picture of the cake you would like on the notepad on the desk." The father thought this to be weird, but wanting to save as much money as possible, he gave him the address and told him to come in the backdoor, just in case the cake was bad. The day of the party arrived and the monk visited the house with the most extravagant cake the family had ever seen. All of the guests were in awe, and whispered to each other about how much the cake could have costed. The monk became the guest of honor and at the end of the party, the father approached the monk and asked, "Why do you do this for free? You should take money for your services!" The monk smiled and said, "I do this for free because a cake day is the best way to earn karma."
Do you know how much I’ve sacrificed?
Literally everything uses “AI”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.
How fast does light travel?
a. 10,000 km/s b. 100,000 km/s c. d. 1,000,000 km/s
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain because…
…of the indoor fins…
Found it on instagram
The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels
Now you know who the best people are
Idk if this has been put on here yet
I recently fucked my best friend after my girlfriend dumped me.
I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
Hypocrites gonna hypocrite ya know?
Bless their lying little hearts!
2moro for sure
#851: Three guys got into a car crash and all died.
They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity." The other two see this and do their best to avoid the ducks. The second guy goes months and months without stepping on any duck. Then one morning he wakes up and as he is getting out of bed he steps on two ducks. St. Peter comes over and handcuffs him to the most atrocious looking and smelling woman and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." Now the third guy goes years and years and doesn't step on any ducks in all that time. Then one day St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he as ever seen. St. Peter says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." The guy happily says, "Oh my God, what have I done to deserve this?!" And the woman says, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
Poland bad, UK good.
That Robert Pattinson meme really is everywhere!
No one:Employee to tech support: “My computer is pretty slow”The computer:https://ift.tt/2SrlG9N
Someone: “If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should’ve been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19”
My response: "144? That's a gross"
My friend Ty won the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
I was never good at telling dad jokes
Probably because he was never around
He’s got a point right there
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
Covid pros and cons
Why don’t zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
They prefer to eat their fingers separately.
Wanted to give you a laugh
I wonder if old houseflies tell the younger ones stories like:
"Back in my day, it was Monday".
Losing weight is a piece of cake.
Just don’t pick it up.
Technological advancement bad.
Say my name
Our consistently awesome potus
You all must have heard about the man who invented the knock knock joke.
Well, he won the No-bell prize.
Fittingly found this one shared by a boomer on Facebook
Boomer humour in a nutshell
Someone got murdered this morning
Lev “Grenade” Parnas
My principal posted this image to everyone on email
A Deplorable Question