me_irl
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet
Cause they lactose
So many people complain about how much money it is to fill up their car with gas.
I save money by filling up just the tank.
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…..
…. when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he´s also a terrible driver"
Forget everything you learned in college…
You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”
Fibonacci
My three year old is getting into telling jokes . I just made this one up for her: Why was Fibonacci afraid of 1 1 2 3 5? Because 1 1 2 3 5 8 13!
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVD movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Wife and I got a flat tire driving back from the farmer’s market
I should have bought asparagus
In the early 1900’s, a number of protests arose because of employment of children in coal mines.
I suppose you could say the owners had a minor minor miner problem.
Jason Todd walks into a bar, where the Joker is behind the counter. He says “Jason, you know I can’t serve Robins here”
Jason asks "Why?" and Joker replies "this is a CROW bar!" Then he beats him to death.
I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.
It's a step by step guide.
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks
I’m trying to write an unoffical Harry Potter book about Platform 9 and 3/4
But I feel like I'm hitting a wall
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock
Q: How do you tell if there’s an elephant hiding in your refrigerator?
A: Look for footprints in the butter. Q: How do you tell there are 2 elephants hiding in your refrigerator? A: You can hear them fighting for room. Q: How do you tell there are 3 elephants in your refrigerator? A: There's more no room for the butter. Q: How do you tell there are 4 elephants in your refrigerator? A: You need a fork lift to move it. Q: You're in an airplane that's running out of fuel much more quickly than expected and is going to crash. What does the pilot throw out to save the plane? A: Your refrigerator. Q: Greg and Rich were playing their weekly game of chess. Greg always wins, but this time Rich was so close. He sat there thinking, and thinking, and thinking, trying to find an opening. He thought for so long that he died, and Greg won. How did Rich die? A: A refrigerator fell on him. Q: The Lion King called a huge meeting and demanded that all the animals come. There were the cheetahs, antelope, wildebeests, rattle snakes, hippopotamus, literally almost everyone one was there for the big meeting. But they couldn't start because there was one animal missing. Who was is? A: The elephants, because they were in your refrigerator. Q: Your walking across a desert when you come to a big river. You are so hungry that you're about to faint, but you can see several fruit trees full of fruit on the other side. There's an old bridge across the river, but it has a sign that says "Bridge closed due to snake infestation." Along the river there are also signs that say "Warning: Crocodiles – no swimming." How do you get across the river? A: Just take the bridge. All the animals are at the Lion King's meeting. Just some absurd jokes from my childhood 😉
I got thrown out of math class today.
The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?" Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the expected answer…
I’m a time traveler, just arrived from 1990
It took me thirty years to get here.
What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 cent featuring Nickelback
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden…
The plot thickens!
As an Asian man, I have always wanted to know how it felt to be black. Today I finally accomplished that goal.
I sneezed and watched every one walk to the other side of the street.
Percy Jackson, son of the sea God. Did not do well in school.
His grades were below C level.
The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.
The rest, as they say, is History.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
I was once kidnapped by a group of mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
Slightly NSFW joke
Conversation between maid and owner:. (owner is a female) Maid: I need a raise Owner: you already have got a raise Maid: that was 18 months ago Owner: why do you then deserve.this raise? Maid: I am better than you in many things Owner: ok tell me Maid: I am better at ironing clothes than you Owner: who told you Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: I also am better at cooking than you Owner: now who told you that? Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: and I also am better than you in bed Owner: did my husband tell you that too? Maid: no the Gardner did. Owner: …………….. Owner: ok how much raise do you want?
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.
The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.
You could say it's very prophetable.
If smoking Marijuana causes short term memory loss,
what does smoking Marijuana do?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
You know, one would have been enough.
They finally invented a golf ball that uses GPS signal to locate the hole, and then roll in.
Just dont put it your back pocket.
Why does Dwayne Johnson sleep under a pile of magazines?
Because paper covers rock!
What do Mexicans think about Trumps wall?
They'll get over it.
What does a house wear?
Address
In Avatar, Aang is 112 years old
Some call him "Boomer Aang"
I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.