Me: I poured some concrete once. Son: Was that really hard? Me: It is now. (This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
It would definitely spice up my autobiography.
Because he was 2².
And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
A 50 cent and nickelback concert.
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
Einstein’s dad: Damn son, it’s about time.
He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was! Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.
A spare, I guess
Student : I is the … Teacher : Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student : OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Son – “No, it is cotton. Here,” as he reaches his arm out to me and I touch his sleeve. Dad – “It’s felt now.”
Probably because you can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.
In a Cracker Barrel.
He says he can stop anytime.
No text found
But my kids are still here.
Cause people are dying to get in.
Just five more minutes.
It's really gonna spice up the autobiography.
which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
Me and my recliner go way back.
It was abominable!
Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and the prince made a similar gesture, but again Heimlich ignored him. This continued with a duke, a Duchess, and an Earl. Every time, Heimlich continued on without giving them another thought. Late in the evening, Heimlich saw a poor farmer who was holding his throat. He rushed over to him and performed his famous life-saving maneuver. A piece of bread flew from the farmer’s mouth, and he begin gasping for breath. All of the people were amazed. A small boy walked up to him and said, “Mr. Heimlich, you ignored the queen when she pretended to be choking. You also ignored the prince, the duke, the Duchess, and the Earl. How did you know that the farmer actually needed your help?” Henry Heimlich looked down at him and smiled. “The real choke is always in the commons,” he said.
I can still drink from the bottle.
I'm really not a mourning person.