meanwhile in the land of the free™ …
Nice belt! Courtesy of my 11-year-old, Ben.
Its called a microwave
He tractor down.
I told him by the time he got his license and was old enough to drive it, it would be a Sheeporghini
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
But I didn’t believe him because he said it with a straight face
He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table — whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed….
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed …. Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 p.m. on Friday. Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 p.m. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 P.M. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.
You boil the hell out of it.
Call the swat team.
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.
A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him: “Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died” The man looked at Saint Peter and said “Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was having an affair, so I left work early and came home to catch her in the act! When I got home, sure as shit there she was naked in bed! I looked all over the apartment but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere so I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and there he was! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! I ran inside, grabbed a hammer, and started smacking his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go and fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and grabbed the refrigerator and heaved it over the balcony down on top of him, crushing him and killing him! But the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.” Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let this poor soul in. Another man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter told this man the same thing, that in order to get in he had to make St. Peter laugh. The second guy told him about how he died. “Well St. Peter, it was awful, I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th story apartment when a flock of birds came out of nowhere and startled me! I fell over the railing but managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below me. All of a sudden, some maniac came outside and started hitting my hands with a hammer until I let go! Luckily, I landed in some bushes but then this guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me!” Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second man into heaven, and decided he could really start to enjoy his job. A third man came walking up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter gave his speech to this third man and then told him: “Tell me about the day you died” “Oh man Saint Peter you’re never gonna believe this! Alright so picture this…I’m butt naked hiding in a refrigerator…”
A can't opener.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
No text found
And I'll fucking do it again.
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"
I suck at gardening
Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.
Because they arrrrrr!!!
He smells coffee and bacon/eggs cooking.He staggers down stairs to find his wife making breakfast, the papers on the counter and a tall cool glass of water is in her hand for him. He stumbles over and takes the glass from her expecting the worst but she smiles and gives him a kiss on the cheek and tells him to relax and she will bring him his breakfast when it's ready. He timidly asked her….so what happened last night when I got home? Well you silly bastard, you got home absolutely shitfaced and couldn't even get undress to go to bed. When I tried to help you out of your clothes you shouted get your filthy hands off me you fucking whore….I'm married, than you passed out.
A sign out front reads, "Convert to Catholicism, get $20." The first Jew keeps walking, but soon notices his friend has stopped to take a closer look at the sign. "You're not actually thinking about doing that, are you?" he asks his friend. The second Jew turns back and says, "I don't know, twenty dollars is twenty dollars." He goes inside the Church, and comes back out about thirty minutes later. "So," says the first Jew, "did you get the twenty dollars?" The second Jew turns to his friend and says, "Oy, is that all you people think about?"
Wife: I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad Wife: No you're not.
He finished his drink, and asked for his check. Duck billed platypus.
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?" "Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
I answered “Why would you think that?” He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there”.
Two windmills are standing in a field. Wanting to pass the time in conversation one turns to the other and asks “What kind of music do you like?”
The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."
There were a lot of red flags.
I mean, how low can you go?
Because they aren't lion