Meanwhile, somewhere in America…
Major Tech Companies as People
AppleApple: That’s a smoothly operating older model you got there. Be a shame if someone… updated it…You: I already know what you’re going to do and I’m not falling for it.Your Attorney: I have to advise that you do what he says…GoogleGoogle: Looks around nervously You’re not gunna tell anyone right?Apple: Unzips pants No, no. No one’ll even notice.Google: slurping soundsYou: Really, in the middle of the street during rush hour?MicrosoftYou: Oh god, No! It can’t have already been a month!Microsoft: kicks your door down, punches you in the dick, and pisses on your keyboard. How’s the mrs?You: groaning Great.Microsoft: Spits directly into your mouth.You: Thank you.Microsoft: Sure thing… See you next build version. flips your tv over on the way out.SamsungSamsung: Here are some features you never even knew you wantedYour friend: Amazing!Phone: Slits your friend’s throat and laps up the blood.Samsung: Wow! Curveball! Go ahead and try yours. I mean, what are the odds that that’ll happen twice?You:…Samsung:…You: Presses power button Do we get vertical app switching back this year?
Last saturday I went to a stand up comedy event
The only joke there was me, so you can imagine how bad it was.
Teacher,” Tell me a sentence that starts with an ‘I’.”
Student: I is the…. Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an 'I'. Always put 'am' after an 'I'. Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
My girlfriend told me to stop singing “I’m a Believer”.
At first, I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face…
A policeman knocked on my door this morning…
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence. After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away. Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in mate!" He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
I gave the lawn a good cut today.
20% of everything all the money we stole.
Does length matter? Short answer: no.
Long answer: yes.
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling anyone! Are you kidding me?
Me: Technically I canβt.
How do you get a fat chick into bed?
Piece of cake.
What’s the difference between a filthy Greyhound terminal and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, and one is a busty crustacean.
I don’t get how Russians didn’t see the demise of the Soviet Union coming
There were red flags all over the place
The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old
I'm finally above average for something
Three sisters get married, each to another man
The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them. She decides to take each of them on a walk separately. The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the second guy and again, "accidentally" falls into the same pond. He doesn't hesitate either, and jumps in to save her. The next day, he too gets a notification on his phone that he received 500 dollars, also with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the third guy and again "accidentally" falls into the pond. The guy looks around if anyone can see, decides that no one is watching, and walks away. The next day, he gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars aswell with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your father in-law, James"
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!
I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".
A man goes to a brothel.
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I wan to see Valerie." "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row." "Where are you from?" The man replied, " New Brunswick ." "Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney." "She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
Want to make your water bed more bouncy?
Use, spring water.
An Irishman walks past a bar.
Just kidding.
I think im addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
I'm going to quit cold turkey.
What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?
A lifetime ban from the petting zoo.
Did you know vampires arent real?
Unless you Count Dracula
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks
I didnβt realize my dad used to steal board-games from the toy store.
But when I look back now, all the Clues added up.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
Itβs currently half empty.
Tried calling the tinnitus helpline…
But it just kept ringing.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.
There is a petition circulating on Twitter and Facebook calling on Canada to invade the US.
https://ift.tt/2UE9G6i
Tequila wont fix your life..
..But its definitely worth a shot.
Why did Spiderman quit his day job?
He was tired of being a web developer.
According to the psychiatrist, my mind thinks that I’m a plant.
It's really hard to be leaf.
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Unbeelievable
My dad used to change wheels on cars.
Now he's retired.
I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, βI want to sue the airline!β
The lawyer said, βYou donβt have much of a case.β
Isn’t it weird when sometimes you’re thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating