Medicare for All helps EVERYONE

"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?" The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond. She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the class what you think freedom is dear" The little boy comes up to the front of the class and the teacher hands him a big thick dictionary of english. "Go on dear, find us the definition of freedom" The boy arrives at the section for F and finds the definition. "Freedom means doing whatever you want whenever you feel like it with total disregard for others no matter the consequences it has for the people around you or the destruction it causes. Freedom is the broken record answer you give to end every reasonable arguement where someone tries to get you to do something you don't feel like doing." The teacher is shocked, The class looks up stunned and confused and the little boy bows his head in dissapointment, tears filling his eyes. About to console the little boy, the teacher notices the cover of the dictionary and beams a bright smile. "Don't worry class!" she rejoices, "That one is American English" ​ ​ Made in response to all the lockdown protestors in America who won't stfu and stop putting their country to shame. They don't define America Edit: I'm confused by the angry Americans, Why come to r/jokes without your sense of humour. It's not meant as a slight to america as a whole, just that small group who are protesting the lockdowns.

Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time

We're telling them tomorrow.

I hope.

They're both cauldron.

I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there

It's not that hard.

One relies on heads while the other is just based on tales.

John: "Is there a problem officer?" Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?" John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here in the glove box and his body is in that trunk" Cop: "Holy shit!" The cop contacts his PD and in moments there are more cops everywhere. The chief of police steps up. Chief: "Sir, may I see your license?" John: "Sure" John had his license Chief: "May I see the vehicle's owner registration?" John: "Sure" It was in his car Chief: "Could you open your glove box?" John: "Sure" There were no weapons Chief: "Could you pop open your trunk?" John: "Be my guest" There were no bodies in the trunk Chief:"Sorry to put you through this, but the officer who called me said you were driving without a license, you had stolen the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and the owner's dead body in the trunk" John: "Yeah, I bet that lying son of a bitch also told you that I was speeding"

Mayornnaise

He was attacked by a giant crab

The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI. In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas." The next day, an American soldier called out, "Hans!?" A German popped up and shouted back, "Ja?!" Boom, the German was shot dead. The next day the Americans shouted again, "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead. This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on. The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked, "What is a popular American name?" "John!" replied another. The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted, "John!?" An American called back, "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" And that is how the Americans won WWI.

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

My dad didn't beat cancer

A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.

Me: thanks for reminding me

The results came completely out of the purple…

because of my insecurities. Wait, she's back. Just went out to pick the mail.

I would name the other one "DupliKate'

He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people. He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave him the death sentence. The day finally comes and he enters the electric chair room. They ask for his last meal and he asks for one banana. He eats the banana and goes to the chair. They shock him but somehow after the shock he's still alive. Everyone in the room is like "Oh wow he lived, welp i guess we'll let him go." So off he goes back into the world (with a really poor legal system). He decides that he still wants to be a train conductor. So he goes back to being one, he's so confident nothing will go wrong this time. Aaaand then he crashed again, killing even more people. He went back to court again and of course the judge gave him the death sentence. He goes back into the death chamber he was once in, and this time for his last meal he asks for just two bananas. He eats them and goes to the chair. They really dont want him to live so they push the electricity even higher this time. However once again he lives. Everyone in the room is so astonished they dont do anything when he walks out. So this absolute madman decides to conduct trains again. What do you know he messes up again. So he goes to court and all that and he's back in the death chamber. When they ask what he wants for his final meal he says that he wants three bananas. They say "No you can't have your bananas, every time you've had them you survive the execution." They don't give him his bananas or any other choice for a last meal and throw him into the chair. They crank the electricity up to full power and sparks fly everywhere, the room is filled with smoke. When the smoke clears, he's just sitting there smiling, unscathed. They're so confused and even scared, they ask him how he somehow survived a dose of electricity that should kill anything it touches. His answer? "Well really im just not a good conductor." Sorry for the long and probably badly written joke

Navel academies.

Olive the other reindeer!

… it's like "Continuing" another dude's "Save File".

She s‌‌aid, "‌‌You c‌‌an't d‌‌o t‌‌his t‌‌o m‌‌e!" I s‌‌aid, "‌‌I k‌‌now… t‌‌hat's w‌‌hy I‌‌'m d‌‌oing i‌‌t t‌‌o h‌‌er.

The stock market.

Why

Fo' drizzle.

I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

But it was his dumb asphalt