Medieval Times…
My five year old…
..and I are watching a movie Me: Why are those piranha's biting that guys butt? My five year old: Because they're BOTTOM FEEDERS! Get it?! BOTTOM FEEDERS
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke.
There’s an air base in Massachusetts. I’ve flown above it a few times
Over Andover again
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
Why couldn’t Hitler eat oranges?
Because he hated the juice.
Hey girl, are you a Communist?
Because I feel an uprising in my lower classes.
Why is “o” the loudest vowel?
Because all the other vowels are in audible.
Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ." Kid 1: "As if." Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing
How do we know that atoms are Catholic?
Because they have mass
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
Two plus sized woman walk into a bar
At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!" Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!" The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
Why are ants immune to COVID-19?
They have anty-bodies
Just paid a lot of money for a really unprofessional circumcision
It was a rip off
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
Teacher asks her class, “If there’s 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left?
" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is married?" Teacher answers (slightly embarrassed), "I imagine it's the one sucking." Boy says, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking !"
It’s easy to deter the ladies from eating tide pods but…
it’s more difficult to deter…gents
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
“Barely legal”.
Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.
I occasionally enjoy leaning on things.
When I'm so inclined.
I’m reading a horror book written in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
Two guys go moose hunting…..
A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose. The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The pilot tells them there’s no way they can take off with the two moose. Ted says, “I don’t know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.” To which Bob adds, “Yeah, but maybe he wasn’t a total pussy!” Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake. The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching. Finally the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree. The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart. Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy. He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, “Do you have any idea where we are?” Ted replies, “I think about 200 yards further than last year.”
i don’t know why everyone thought 73-year-old Bernie Sanders was too old to run for president four years ago…
…after all, he was in his prime.
I think Helium hates my jokes.
He doesn’t react to any of them.
A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door…
A boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy “No, they went in to town.” The boy replied “Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked “No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.” “Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.” The boy thought for a moment then said “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside..
So I decided to call a toe-truck.
Broken pencils are pointless
No text found
Cop on Horse
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
Bit true innit?
Bit true innit?
You know what I find odd?
Numbers that are not divisible by 2.
I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today.
Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.
If Poly means many then…
Politics means Many Bloodsucking Insects
What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature ?
Tequila Mockingbird
I asked my father if he could leave his guitar collection to my children when he passes
He said that's music to his heirs
The Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up…
They formed an alloy-ence