Megathread
I remember when Mom used to tuck me in
She really wanted a daughter.
There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
There was once a cross eyed teacher
They couldnāt control their pupils
Whats ET short for
Itās because his legs are little
Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for
He said āGeniusā
any one who codes for games here ? i made a meme about it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUqYIzh3kAE
I got an email that said “You have won Ā£36,769,011. To complete the transaction we will need your bank details.”
"Certainly," I replied. "It's a big building with money inside."
Why couldn’t the number 3 cross the border?
No trespassing
I was once kidnapped by a group of mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
A bodybuilder and a Blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
I got the words ājacuzziā and āyakuzaā confused.
Now Iām in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sx, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
My grandfather always said, āBe envied, not envious.ā
Iām so pissed off I didnāt think of that quote first.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without any pain at all.
Iām nervous she wonāt be able to pull it off.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position
as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. Youāve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, weād hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and weāre afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. Iām sorry…we canāt hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, Iāll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "thatās all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? Iām a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
If you thought this year was strange, Iāve got some news for you.
2019 will be odd too.
Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
They were watch dogs.
I don’t know if this is a repost but some boomer on a discord server posted this
https://ift.tt/36JRQDy
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
Y'know, one would have been enough.
I introduced my friend to my daughter Beth
He asked me, whatās Beth short for? I thought it was really rude, sheās only three
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in the Post Office
They get really annoyed
Husband doing crossword with wife..
Husband : emphatic no, five letters Wife : never H : pistol, three letters W : gun H : disgust, three letters W : ugh H : charity, four letters W : give H : female sheep, three letters W : ewe H : Pixar movie, two letters W : Up
I always knock on the front door of my fridge …
Just in case there is a salad dressing . This was horrible lol
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why
Squirrels In Church
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer & consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, & they should not interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrel's & made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed
Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.
“I used to be a Christian”
The girl said. The boy chuckled "that's fine what made you Convert?" The girl turned and said "I feel more like a Christina than a Christian"
I was once in a relationship with twins.
Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy!
āHow much to buy a singing ensemble?ā “You mean a choir?”
āFine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?ā