Meme does not translate
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians." There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "
Did you hear about the Mexican magician?
He said “for my next trick, I will disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos -” but then he vanished without a tres.
Kid: Dad, let me be frank…. and if you say, “Hi Frank, I’m Dad”, I’m gonna be super pissed.
Dad: Gotcha, gonnabesuperpissed.
An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123." Suddenly he has the most gigantic erection he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him reading a book, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
A man was going bald, so he got rabbits tattooed on to his head.
From a distance they looked like hares.
What do you call someone who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor
My brother came to me and said that he didn’t understand cloning
I said that makes two of us
Set your WiFi password to 24446666688888888
…so when someone asks what your password is, just tell them it’s: 12345678.
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman….
“Can I have a drink for me and one for the road”
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi's
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead reach the steps to heaven, when they meet God.
As they are about to start climbing the 100 steps to heaven, God says, "Wait!" "At every step I will tell you a joke, if you don't laugh, you can go to heaven." The girls agree, and start climbing. On the 27th step, the redhead starts laughing, and disappears. On the 77th step, the brunette can't hold in her laughter, and disappears. On the 99th step, the blonde begins to laugh. Before making her disappear, God asks, "You were so close, why would you start laughing." To which the blonde replies, "I finally got the joke from the first step."
Today I was at the bank when two man came in with masks…
Such a relief when they said it was just a bank robbery.
I’d tell you a joke about unemployed people…
But none of them work.
What do you call a sword that doesn’t weigh much?
A light saber
Dads are like boomerangs
I hope.
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It’s not my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
I keep asking what LGBTQ+ stands for
I never get a straight answer
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
One time I paid $20 to see Prince in concert
but I partied like it's $19.99.
A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver.
The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…" "If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling." The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?" The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."
Wasn’t sure if I should post this, since it’s only funny under certain circumstances.
certain circumstances. only funny
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office
I'm on season 6 so far, but not sure what its got to do with security.
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels…
She didn’t know I existed…
My wife said that this subreddit was full of stupid, unfunny puns…
But this post I made a couple hours ago says otherwise
Me: Did you hear about the actor who got stabbed?
You: Who? Me: Reese You: Witherspoon? Me : Nah, with a knife
A new twist on an old joke.
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10". They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9". Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher – and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time – my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
My doctor said I was going deaf.
Haven't heard from him since.
Why did Star Wars 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?
Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was.
A fisherman went back to work after taking a break for six months.
His friend approached him and said, "Hey, long time no sea."
My wife just found out she’s adopted.
She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears. On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.
I just saw my first porno…
And damn I looked good back then.
Joke
My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter. Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her.
Dad, are we Pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boob implants?
One is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean