“meme knowledge required 😎”
When I want a sauna I must have the whole thing to myself.
I have selfish steam issues.
Fuck you gop
More like birth control
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.
Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.
Meme.. Love doesn’t expire
Why do mountains never get cold?
Because they have snow-caps!
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber…
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph." Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! "St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past."So you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad,"replied Ralph the Hen,but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm going to explode." "You're ovulating, explained the rooster.Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never,"said Ralph. "Well just relax and let it happen," says the rooster" It's no big deal." Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his Joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell…"RALPH WAKE UP. YOU SHIT THE BED!"
188.8.131.52 – the last dns resolver
Cheesy but fun
The other day I gave up my seat to an older blind lady
And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver
I wanna give a shout out to my fingers…
…I can always count on them!
I like my women like I like my coffee
Very strong, and given proper credit for their contributions in both the home and the workplace.
so you a gentleman or…?
Diarrhea is hereditary.
Because it runs in your jeans.
I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.
Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.
I asked my North Korean friend, “what’s it like to live in North Korea?”
He responded, “can’t complain.”
You thought you were entitled to the same rights?
I tried very hard
Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
So my husband is trying to get hired by an airline…
Walmart just pulled this sweater. Santa is holding a damn straw…
Always just before I’m going to stop for the day
Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left? A. 499 Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? A. Open door, take elephant out of refrigerator, put giraffe in refrigerator, close door Q. The lion throws a huge birthday party. All the animals but one go. Which is it and why? A. The giraffe: he's still in the refrigerator Q. Sally swims across an alligator infested river and doesn't get eaten. How? A. The alligators are at the lion's birthday party Q. Sally is found dead within the next 5 minutes: why? A. She was hit by a brick falling from the sky
Found this on Twitter.
A mom wanted her three sons to stop swearing…
…so she decides she needs to start punishing her children. The next morning, her three sons, Billy, Bobby, and Johnny come to the kitchen for breakfast. The mom asks Billy what he wants for breakfast. Billy says, "I don't know, just give me ceral or some shit." The mom smacks Billy and he goes flying across the kitchen. She turns to Bobby and asks him what he wants for breakfast. Bobby shouts, "Damn, mom! What the hell did you hit Billy for? Just give me cereal I guess." The mom hits Bobby even harder and Bobby flies into the next room over. Finally, she turns to Johnny and asks what he wants for breakfast. Johnny looks at the other two boys and hesitates for a while. Johnny says, "I don't know, but you can bet your sweet ass that it isn't cereal."
Please do at least one thing right Mr. Trump
[Laughs in Socialist]
Chemistry in advertisimg
We don’t have the easy option *yet*
I stole a wig
I just didn't want toupee for it
Our big orange baby,
Golf clubs don’t talk back!
Only you can prevent forest fir— AAAH!
Purge the boomers
My mum emailed this to me today under the subject “lols”
Only time he was right
A mom decides to clean her sons room.
Under his bed she finds a large collection of BDSM porn. Disturbed and not sure what to do she goes to her husband. "What should we do about this?" she asks. He replied, "Well we sure as hell can't spank him!"
They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket
They lied, everyone else has clothes on
The struggle is real.
At least be consistant.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a brain surgeon…
But apparently, I was too young…
Who is a Covid-19 patient’s favorite composer?
Consider your priorities
Narcan is very dangerous caw caw
Handling your final project like…
Why did the medium cross the road?
To talk to the other side
Not dad jokes…. it’s jokes on dad
Nurse: I'm sorry sir, your dad is pronounced dead. Son:I can't believe I'm pronouncing it wrong all this time.
Video Home Security Bad
The Invisible Man [OC]
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
Its a buccaneer
You think all these puns on r/dadjokes are bad?
Wait until you sea mine
There have always been sides
There is a new reality show where flat earthers are trying to find the edge of the world.
They will be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger.
this whole time I’m like why does it keep downloading it as an html
Well we obviously can’t trust the word of a corrupt person that someone is corrupt
I’ll be celebrating my birthday next month, but only for half a minute.
It's my thirty second birthday after all.
What is a Monarchist’s least favorite type of music?
Royalty free music
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
Asking the real questions
My wife got really mad at me because I don’t have any sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right.
The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.
You could say it's very prophetable.
Why is COBOL so popular at the moment?
My Time Has Come
A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money …. he calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this — they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But the young lad has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does". "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?" The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"
Associates vs. VPs of Engineering problems.
T E E T H
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, “Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?” Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
Please,please,sign up and serve…By Voting.