Meme words
My wife gets me.
https://imgur.com/7qGI8AL
Did you hear about the day the cows ran away?
It was udder madness
Donald Trump gets executed and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly. “But Donald, CNN says you were killed!” Ivanka cried. “Nope!” Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, “fake noose.”
I wasn’t sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again…
Stranger Things have happened.
Why is Antarctica sad?
Because its iceolated
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
I was asked to name all the US Presidents yesterday.
Didn't they already have names?
I just pooped in the elevator
And i took that shit to the next level
Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests
Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn leaves…
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity killed them all
What do you call hiking US college students?
The walking debt.
Guy walks into a bar with his dog and the bartender says “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs in here.” Guy says “This is no ordinary dog. This dog can speak.”
Bartender says “Sure… If you say so. Now please leave.” Guy says, “No really I can prove it.” *turns to dog * “Dog, what is on top this building?” Dog goes “Roof.” Bartender says “Very clever. Now I’ll ask you again: will you please leave?” Guy goes “No no seriously! Listen to this: Dog, what is the texture of sandpaper?” Dog goes “Ruff.” Bartender says “This is the last time I’m going to tell you!” Guy says “Wait wait please. Dog who is the greatest baseball player of all time?” Dog replies “Ruth” Bartender: “Get out! I’m calling the authorities!” Guy and dog leave. Outside dog turns to guy and says “Jeez. Maybe I should have said Barry Bonds.”
How do you feed 1000 people with one loaf of bread?
You cut the ends and now you have endless bread. Courtesy of my 12 year old daughter.
Kung Fu student asks his teacher
"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated. And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Why are people with foot fetish losers?
Because they like to taste defeat.
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.
But I called her Bluff.
What’s Thanos’ favourite game? [OC]
Half Life.
Did you hear about the guy who got caught pirating Captain Marvel?
He got charged with Brie Larceny
How do you cure depression ?
Love it. Then it will leave you after a while for someone else.
Helium walks into a bar
The bartender says, "Sorry but you're gonna have to leave; we don't serve noble gases here." Helium does not react
Did you know diarrhea Is hereditary?
It runs in our jeans
Most people are shocked when they find out
how bad an electrician I am.
My wife’s leaving me because she says I have an unhealthy obsession with Africa…
Kenya believe it? I'm Ghana miss her.
People think that the word ‘queue’ is just ‘Q’ followed by 4 silent letters
But those letters aren't silent, they're just waiting their turn
A young couple dies just a few days before their planned wedding.
They both get accepted to heaven. However, they ask St. Peter if they could get married in heaven, as they were already planning their wedding. "Look. Usually, we do not do that here. But since you had a wedding planned already on Earth, I think you could be an exception. But I should let you know, it will take a really long time to sort everything out. Maybe even years." says St. Peter. They do not mind. After five years, they suddenly see St. Peter running towards them, shouting happily from distance: "Everything is sorted out! You two can now marry each other!" They have the wedding, but after some time, the love begins to fade and they realise they are no longer right for each other, so they ask the St. Peter if it is possible to get a divorce in heaven. Peter looks at them and says: "It took FIVE YEARS until even one priest got here. How long do you think you will have to wait for a lawyer?" If this joke has been posted before, sorry.
I invented a new type of car…
Me: "I invented a new car. It's powered by silence!" My friend: "Wow, this is going to revolutionize the industry!" Me: "Yeah, it goes without saying."
You should send a picture of your ex to NASA.
Apparently they are desperate to get a photo of A hole that sucks all your time and energy.
Ringing the doorbell….
…don't knock it 'til you've tried it.