“memehumor”
No, I don’t know where most things are on the map!
I've never been good at geometry.
As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But I’m planning to give it a shot.
A man gives up his twin sons for adoption at birth.
Many years later the dad finds out one boy was adopted by a Mexican family and the other by a Muslim family. The son from the Mexican family, Juan, reaches out to the dad as an adult and the two meet. They have a great time reconnecting and the dad finds out his other son is named Amal. At the end of the day Juan asks his dad if he wants to meet his other son. The dad declines. Juan asks why and the dad says, “if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.
"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring or normal pet – no cats, dogs, or birds – I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?," the main replied, "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the unusual offering, the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey, he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk, he will take it back to the shop for a refund. An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks!?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time!!! I'm putting my shoes on!"
I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.
The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.
In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do….
The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign. Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself" The man shrugged and said, “My wife told me to stand here.”
My grandpa’s last words before he died was “Pints! Gallons! Litres!”
That spoke volumes.
Oregon Trail
You’re walking along the Oregon Trail and you meet a guy named terry. You laugh at him as say Terry is a girls name. Terry shoots you. You’ve died of dissen terry.
German Dream
We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, "We did but no-one liked it."
When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother…
We are from the south so things are going good.
Why does Reddit have 2 d’s?
The second one is a repost….
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers…
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them…
What do you say to a Jedi who stole your sicilian dessert?
"You owe me one cannoli."
Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator
I was wrong on many levels
“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”
“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”
A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.
They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well. The doctor exclaims “Save the children!” And begins to jump out of the lifeboat. The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating “Screw the children!” The priest says “Do we have time?”
“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
My doctor said I only have 5 more days to live…
So I killed him and the Judge gave me 40 years!!
Men vs gorilla
Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure. Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior? Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.' r>Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free. 'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.' Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.' The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure. Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!' The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her. The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!' Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache and you're not in mood … Let us see if Gorillas and Men are the same..
Make sure you always tip the people who make your pizza…
They knead the dough.
I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine…
The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.
A redhead tells her blonde sister, “I slept with a Brazilian…”
The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
I busted a nut
https://imgur.com/gallery/7muPMMy
A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting
I said people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer
Walmart will be closed for Christmas
so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.
A guy hears a noise on his roof. He goes outside and sees a large black bear on the roof.
So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."
My friend changed his name from William to Lawrence
That’s how a Bill becomes a Law.
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds
They’ve left no tern unstoned
I lost my notes I was writing for my book called “1,001 ways to cure an itch.”
Guess I'll have to start from scratch.
I had a car crash the other day.
I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out of the other car and said, “I'm not happy”. To which I replied, “Which one are you then?”
My Hungarian boss’ favorite joke
In the midst of the Cold War, the CIA sends its best spy into Russia. He has spent the last 10 years learning how to blend in with the locals. He speaks perfect Russian, he can dance the kalinka better than anyone, and he can drink an entire bottle of vodka without batting an eyelash. As soon as he's ready, a helicopter flies him by night to a remote Russian province and sets him down near a village. The spy knocks on the first door in the village, posing as a poor lost traveler. An old babushka answers the door. "Please madam," says our spy in perfect Russian, "I was lost in the forest, and I need somewhere to stay." "Well you can't stay here," says Babushka. "You are an American spy." Shocked that she guessed his secret, the spy nevertheless kept his cool. "You are mistaken, madam," he says. "I am from Russia. Otherwise, I would not know how to do this." And he dances his perfect kalinka. "You dance well," says Babushka. "But you are still an American spy." Getting nervous, the spy tries again. "You are mistaken, madam," he says. "I can prove it for certain." He pulls a bottle of vodka from his rucksack and chugs the whole thing. "You hold your vodka," says Babushka. "But you are still an American spy." "Alright," sighs the spy. "I give up. But I speak perfect Russian, danced the kalinka, and drank a whole bottle of vodka – how did you know I'm an American spy?" "You are black."
My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.
I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.
Every psychic I visit is either really angry or really sad.
I’d like to find a happy medium.