Memes from 2020 are unfunny memes from 2016?
My son joined a group of people that are sexually attracted to young horses.
I'm worried he may be in a colt
Who did Luke Skywalker learn to make pastries from?
WARNING: THIS JOKE IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE Obi-wanCANNOLI Iāll show myself out.
What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?
A receding airline.
As I get older and I remember all the people Iāve lost along the wayā¦
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasnāt for me after all.
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.
They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. āI really should have mentioned this earlier, but Iām actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.ā The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driverās seat looking out the window. āWhy arenāt we going anywhere?ā asked the girl. āWell, I should have mentioned this before, but Iām actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25ā¦ā
The word āDiputseromneveā may look ridiculous,
But backwards itās even more stupid.
Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own?
It's two-tired.
A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?” No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot.
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
Give a man a fish, and youāll feed him for a day …
Give a man a poisoned fish, and youāll feed him for a lifetime!
A drummer and her husband just had triplets. Their names?
Anna I. Anna II. Anna I, II, III.
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarineā¦
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. āGo stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.ā The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. āSon Iām changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.ā The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. Heās cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. āListen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.ā The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. āHey there,ā says the recruit. āis it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I havenāt kept one position for more than 15 minutes!ā The crewman says āOh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.ā
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.
Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10. "Just don't tell Dad" she says. Hey, it's working thinks Little Johnny. An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything." Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says. Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister." The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says: "Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, āI hope you donāt mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?ā. āAbout 32,ā is the reply.ā āNope! Iām exactly 50,ā the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonaldās and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, āIād guess about 29.ā The woman replies with a big smile, āNope, Iām 50.ā Now sheās feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, āOh, Iād say 30.ā Again she proudly responds, āIām 50, but thank you!ā While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, āLady, Iām 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.ā They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, āWhat the hell, go ahead.ā He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, āOkay, okay…..How old am I?ā He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, āMadam, you are 50.ā Stunned and amazed, the woman says, āThat was incredible, how could you tell?ā āI was behind you at McDonaldsā.
Scientists have succeeded in growing human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves!
Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests donāt bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
My math teacher called me average
How mean is that ?
I had $1,000 extra in my pay last month, this month I was $1,000 short. When I reported it to payroll they asked me why I didn’t say anything when I got paid too much.
I told them, I'll tolerate one mistake but not two.
What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.
Not to brag, but Iāve satisfied every waitress thatās ever served me.
With just the tip.
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.
Whatās more amazing than a talking dog?
A spelling bee!
So Tekashi69 could face life in prison
Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
Why do my jokes never land?
They go too far above your head.
A bartender is closing up and sees a customer lying on the floor
He picks him up, and the guy falls down. He picks him up, guy falls down again. Finally the bartender slings the guy over his shoulder and takes him to an address he finds in the guy's wallet. When they get to the guy's house the bartender stands him up again, and the guy crumples to the ground. The bartender bangs on the door and the guy's wife answers. "Here's your drunken bum of a husband," the bartender says The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
What do you get when you mix 50% human DNA with 50% goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
“Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Hatch.”
"Hatch who?" "Bless you!" Source: my 6yo at dinner tonight
I was in the supermarket when a guy threw a block of cheese at me.
I looked over at him and shouted, āWell thatās not very mature is it??ā
My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.
It was a little drum attic.
Who decided to call them āmurder hornetsā
and not ābuzzkillsā?