Memes in google slides is easy
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
What do you call a snake that cleans windows?
A vindow viper
I’m going to name my first son Kelvin
Just so everybody knows he's an absolute unit.
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them โ theyโre imaginary too…
I wanted to post a joke about sodium
But then I was like Na, people wont understand.
A guy with a โBaby on Boardโ sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.
This guy has serious issues with pulling out.
Why are teeth so privileged?
Theyโre straight and white.
A century ago, two brothers claimed it was possible to fly
They were Wright
Just flew in from Asgard
And boy, are my arms Thor!
Oral sex using telekinesis
Mind blowing
A Canadian asks an American to watch a movie together.
American: Have you seen the Titanic? Canadian: What's that about? American: Yes it was. A huge one that sank.
Whatโs the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with massive boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
Hans, Is That You?
The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI. In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas." The next day, an American soldier called out, "Hans!?" A German popped up and shouted back, "Ja?!" Boom, the German was shot dead. The next day the Americans shouted again, "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead. This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on. The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked, "What is a popular American name?" "John!" replied another. The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted, "John!?" An American called back, "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" And that is how the Americans won WWI.
Just got a job as the senior director of the old McDonald farm
Iโm the CIEIO
Matthew McConaugheyโs Lincoln canโt turn left
It just goes all-right all-right all-right
My sister bet me ยฃ15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should of seen the look on her face as i drove pasta
Innovative Solutions
In order to streamline my work from home process, I’ve hired my cat as a part-time advisor.User: My laptop won’t connect to the VPN.Me: Consults my advisorMe: Have you tried pushing it off of the table and onto the floor?
When the clerk says “sorry about your wait”, I reply,
"I am too, but it's ok, I've been fat my whole life"
Chicken walks into a bar
Bartender says: "Wrong joke, yours is across the road?"
What do you call a cage filled with Quarters, Dimes, and Pennies?
Nickel-less Cage!
Girlfriend stood there last night accusing me of cheating on her.
I thought to myself; "Damn, she sounds just like the wife"
A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size
A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
4 people having sex is called a foursome
3 people having sex is called a threesome Now I know why they call me handsome.
Life is like a penis,
itโs the women that make it hard
Why did the duck die?
It overdosed on quack.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma
6 months later she wakes up and asks the doctors about her baby. Doctor: you had twins! A boy and a girl. They are both healthy. Luckily, your brother was here and he named them. Woman: oh no, he is an idiot. What are their names? Doctor: the girls name is Denise Woman: okay, thatโs not to bad, what about the boy? Doctor: Denephew
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me โthe most secretive guyโ in the office.
I canโt tell you how much this award means to me.
Nine Months Later
ย Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."
Old Turkish joke
One day Temel, the truck driver, while driving down a hill realizes that his brakes are not working. The truck is going faster and faster, until he reaches an intersection. Temel looks around. On his right, there is a child; on his left, there is a bazaar with more than 100 people. As a โcleverโ man, Temel chooses to drive towards the child instead of the bazaar. However, the next day, newspaper headlines read โTEMEL DROVE HIS TRUCK INTO THE BAZAAR, 40 KILLED, 35 INJUREDโ. They ask Temel: โHow come you commit such an act?โ Temel answers: โEverything happened when the child started to run towards the bazaarโ.
I’ve always wanted to swim in a ocean of soda.
It's my fanta-sea
I have to brag, I have sex almost every day…
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
“Waiter! Waiter! There’s a dead fly in my soup!”
"Yes sir, the heat tends to kill them."
Today my son and I walked past a gym and he said “looks like they’ve closed down.”
My response; "guess it didn't work out."
Why havenโt the aliens visited our solar system yet?
Bad reviews… only 1 star.
I’d make a Sodium joke but……Na
No text found
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover its butt-quack.
The doctors said that my blood was type-A
But that was a type-O