Memsters priority.
My son said he was going to read a book by the fire.
I said, "That's a weird name for an author."
My Grandma was talking about the good old days and said “in my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!” and “we grew up with nothing but we were happy”…
I replied “Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the front door unlocked!”
What’s the difference between a school and a compound?
I got no clue, I just fly the drone
I used to have a dog with no legs named “Cigarette”
And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.
England has no kidney bank but…
It does have a Liverpool
A pirate walks into a bar.
His pants are open in the front, and there’s a steering wheel inside them. The bartender looks at him. “Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?” “Arrrrgh,” replies the pirate. “It’s drivin’ me nuts.”
Boss told me as a security guard it’s my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, don't know what it has to do with security though.
I was wondering why Music was coming from my printer..
Apparently the paper was Jamming.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
Roommate: If you keep stealing all my kitchen utensils than I’m moving out!
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars. Her: Do you win many races? Me: No, the cars are much faster.
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
Apparently babies start walking at around 1.
Well, it's 2:30 now and she hasn't walked at all
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
Thank god Canada’s not the global super power
Or we'd all be sorry
Who is CRISPR’s favorite actor?
Gene Hackman
What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Do you know why the say “be there or be square?”
Because you're not around.
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now it's aware wolf
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
People say I have a dad-bod
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
LPT: If you have trouble remembering your password, find a picture of some running shoes and stare at it.
maybe it'll help jog your memory.
My friend asked me, “what’s the best part about living in Switzerland?”
I said, “I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.”
Give a man a guitar and he’ll play for a day…
Teach a man guitar and today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you
Pornhub premium users are like jesus
They pay for our sins.
Tough to be Irish
"What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike. " Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?", she asked. "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."