Men don’t do dishes is funny
Mality, Mality, Mality, Mality.
Now that we’ve got the four malities out the way, we can begin.
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists, but mine…
…is just a little pail in comparison.
A woman was in a coma for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened?!" The husband said, "I think she choked."
If a person overdoeses on Viagra
Do they die hard?
Why do Navy ships have barcodes on them?
So you can Scandinavian.
There are so many beautiful castles in Wales, but I only had time to visit one.
I chose Caerphilly.
Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he’s a stud..
But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.
I was once kidnapped by a group of mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
I took my dog, Flip, to the skate park with my son. I swear that kid is crazy.
He said, "Dad, do you want to see me kick Flip?"
So I picked up this girl the other day…..
and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" . Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.
Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix.
Kid: mmmph.. mmrr…
Donald Trump just turned 73
which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
An adorable old woman visits the doctor.
“Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least ten times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because it doesn’t smell and is silent.” The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.” The next week the lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.” “Good,” the doctor says. “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
Why can’t you stay up until the cows come home?
Because it’s pasture bedtime.
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances.
I said: "There's the door."
I told my boss I need a pay rise and that 3 other companies were after me…
He said 'which ones?' I said ' Gas, electric and water'
Held the door open for a clown the other day
Thought it was a nice jester
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
Dear Microsoft:
If you had called your search engine Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. What would you rather say? "I just Googled Rihanna"or "I just Banged Rihanna."
My dumbass son thinks there’s the letter F is in the word ‘way’
There’s no F in way.
Words cannot express…
…how limited my vocabulary is.
One day a woman had 100 children…
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
I used to think i was indecisive, now I’m not sure.
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