Men is too headache
Two Students from Asia Came to My High School.
They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude is like a math wiz. I’m really struggling, so I ask Ving if he’d give me a hand on the homework. Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor. I’m like yeah sure what? He asks me to drive him to the city hall after school. He says he wants to change his name to something more American. I’m like alright dude! So after school I’m driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and Ling is totally giving Ving the cold shoulder. I’m like what’s the deal and Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is totally pissed that he’d disrespect his ancestry by changing it. So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a super long time. Finally it’s our turn and Ving tells me he’s picked “Lee” as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about the ancestry shit, blah blah. Then it’s time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can’t do it. Shittttt man, that ancestry shit runs deeeep. The lady at the desk is like ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Argh, stupid small town laws, Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash. Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors. “DAD!” Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried, “Don’t stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!”
Two dwarfs Grumpy and Happy went to Vatican and meet the pope.
Grumpy, seems a little worried and he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" "No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall." "Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?" "I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?" "No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall or two and a half feet tall?" "I'm sure." "Okay." Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" asks Happy. Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any." And the Happy starts shouting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"….
I started a business building Yachts in my attic
Sails are through the roof.
What is the only fruit you can sit on?
A cherry.
Halfway thru this sprint and team finds out last epic’s output ain’t functioning
https://ift.tt/2K4tudp
It took me 11 puns to finally make my friend laugh…
… because no pun in ten did.
Why are so many people tired on April 1st?
they just finished a 31 day March.
I won my first cage fight last night…
Parrot didn't know what hit it.
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling.
A British doctor says: “In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job.”
The German doctor replies: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job." The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job." The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "you know how to drive this thing?"
How did Billy feel after he dropped his toothpaste?
Crestfallen.
Wanna hear something funny? Quarantine.
It’s an inside joke.
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now it’s aware wolf
My son told me my grammar was good.
He meant well.
Why is 1 = 0
cos 0 = 1
I have the opposite of an amputee fetish.
I am lack toes intolerant.
A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint…
when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?" The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink. The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the croc asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?" The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink. The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala. When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you." The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"
Knock knock / Who’s there? / Broken pencil / Broken pencil who?
Nevermind it’s pointless.
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in
She said, "You can't do this to me!" I said, "I know… that's why I'm doing it to her.
I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing “Danger Zone” six times in a row…
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
A drunk guest returns to his hotel and says to the clerk “Hi. I’ve forgotten what room I’m in.”
Clerk responds, "No problem, sir. This room is called 'The Lobby'"
As I’m sure you’re all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.
They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAND EEEEYYYYEEEEEEEE
My son didn’t cope well with going to jail.
He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own shit. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
There’s a company that will help you temporarily find memories you’ve lost, for a fee.
Just visit Rent-A-Missing Reminiscing!
I tried to talk to my antivaxx best friend
Unfortunately the ouija board wasn't working
What concert costs just 45 cent?
50 Cent ft. Nickelback
Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you never turn your back on your own family.
Maybe the phrase shooting fish in a barrel comes from Americans…
Because fish swim in schools.
What makes a good tongue twister?
Well, it’s hard to say.
A child’s laughter is the best thing you can hear.
Unless it's 3 am in your house and you don't have children.
Why do mountains make the best jokes?
Because they are hill areas!
A guy said to God, “Is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?”
God said yes. The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?" God said yes. The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?" God said, "Sure, just a second."
A man walks into a saloon
…he takes off his hat and throws it in an arc. Six men lose their hats. Everyone is impressed, they yell out: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me Hat-Bill." Another man walks in, grabs his gun and fires off six rounds. Six men lose their hats. The crowd yells out: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me Gun-Bill." A third man walks in. He has six arms. In a flash, he grabs the hats off the heads of six men. Everyone is speechless. Finally, one guy yells: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me… …Chernobyl."