Mendeleev is the hero we didn’t deserve, but the hero we needed..
Yes Pornhub I know there are lonely sluts in my area
…I’m one of them.
I can’t go out to buy drapes for my windows…
These are uncurtain times
ROMNEY DIDN’T KILL HIMSELF
Sorry, just practicing.
You can actually nut during November.
You just can’t have anyone cashew.
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m A Believer” or she’d kill me. I thought she was kidding.
But then I saw her face…
What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man asks, “And how would you do that?” The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?” The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. How am I supposed to work in the dark?”
My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
I said, “That’s Superman.” He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
I finally lost it with the hoarding!
Was just at Walmart and saw a man who’s cart was full of sanitizers soaps wipes and toilet paper. I called him a selfish bastard and gave him a low down on the elderly, moms, and people who really need those things. I told him he should be ashamed of himself. He said “Are you done? Cuz I really need to get back to stocking the shelves…”
My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”
I’ve always wanted to swim in a ocean of soda.
It's my fanta-sea
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
A priest and rabbi were skinny dipping in a lake when a group of people arrived.
Some belonged to the priest’s congregation and the others belonged to the rabbi’s. The priest and rabbi left their clothes on the other side of the lake and didn't have time to retrieve them, so they got out of the lake hoping to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals, looks over at the rabbi who was running with his hands covering his face. “Rabbi! What are you doing?” he asked. The rabbi replied, “In my community, they recognize me by my face!”
What did the nut say when he was chasing the other nut?
I’m a CASHEW!
Discord + Google Mail + Outlook = Headache
Me: *updates Discord*Discord: Seems like you’re trying to sign in from another computer.Me: Ehm, I’m not actually.Discord: Please solve these 20 CAPTCHA images.Me: Fine…Discord: Good job! Now click the link in the mail we’ve sent you.Me: *checks mail*Gmail: No new mail, sorry pal.Me: *goes through the unnecessarily complicated process of forcing Gmail to check for new mails on a connected POP3 account*Gmail: No mail from Discord.Me: *sigh* *checks Outlook*Outlook: Looks like you’re trying to login from another computer.Me: I am not!Outlook: Please check your backup mail address for an authentication code.Me: Google?Gmail: Don’t look at me. No new mail.Me: *forces Google to check for new mails on another POP3 account*Gmail: Ah, there it is.Outlook: Nice one.Me: … Why the hell is the Discord Mail in the junk folder?Outlook: It looks suspicious.Me: Wha- It is not spam!Outlook: Oki-dokie, I put it in your inbox for you.Me: Thanks for doing your job I guess… Google?Outlook: Why don’t you just use me.Me: There is no way I’m rewarding you for this BS.Outlook: But-Me: *closes tab*Gmail: No new mail.Me: Check the f-ing POP3 accounts!Gmail: One new mail. \o/Me: Finally. *clicks on link*Discord: Link expired.Me: … *throws the computer out the window*
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing
“Judge, I’m here to dispute 60% of my tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I’m here to dispute 3/5 of my tickets.
At the grocery store the other day, the bagger asked the woman in front of me, “Paper or plastic?” She responded, “It makes no difference to me. You choose.” The bagger explained that he isn’t allowed to, and that she had to choose. This upset her quite a bit, which was confusing to me.
I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.
I took my dog to the lake to day and noticed he floats very well
He’s a good buoy
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to you lock calmly because
Communication is key
“If organ trafficking is illegal….”
"Then what about pianos?" -my half drunk dad
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied…"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"….. “it was then that I…. lost it”
Dating a single mother
Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game
Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
Did you hear about the new movie “Constipation”?
It Hasn’t come out yet. But Critics are saying it’s crap. And there’s a sequel…. “Number 2”
I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.
Always walkin around like they rent the place.
My girl asked me if I were to have a threesome which of her friends I’d choose.
Apparently I was only supposed to choose one…
“A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film”
"Gladiator?" "No, I really miss her"
Why did the chicken use the crosswalk?
Because it was safer. (Credit to I-80 sign)
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t…
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far…
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
Bernie said he’s going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse
On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.
