I’m a CASHEW!
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
Some assholes got my pen
I almost went on Monday, I almost went on Tuesday, I almost went on Wednesday, I almost went on Thursday, I almost went on Friday, I almost went on Saturday and I almost went on Sunday.
The dwarf laughs and walks under it
When he sees a woman on a shady corner. He goes up to ask if she's alright and she responds "I'm a hooker, are you interested?" The man decides to live a little and takes her up on her offer and they go back to his car and go at it like rabbits. Some time during, a cop pulls up and knocks on the window. "Excuse me sir what exactly are you doing?" The man answers "I'm having sex with my wife" The cop replies with "I apologize, I didn't know." The man responds with "Me neither until you shined that flashlight"
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
He found it an arrowing experience
… because at the beginning, the announcer clearly said "Welcome to the 90-second Thanksgiving Day parade!"
The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.
That’s a ton of money!
Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.
They taste like sheet.
My carer says I should be able to try the spoon tomorrow.
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: “For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…”
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
It was Motherfucking Gold.
I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.” “However,” he pointed out, “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah. Right.”
It’s my Heath Ledger.
To cover its butt quack.
It took him a couple of bytes
Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
You look for the fresh prints.
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
Icey dead people
Or are they always just training?
Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran- Grandpa – it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.
Dad: Sure! But can you pass me my dadglasses first?
Cause people are dying to get in