Meowdy. 🤠
My daughter told we she is a vegan.
I told her it is a huge missed steak.
I’m not complaining, just expressing something most new Web Developers can understand
https://ift.tt/2PZRrG8
My friend and I started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it is cheaper.
I ate a watch once…
It was so time consuming.
TIL: A recent study found that the newest strain of head lice is resistant to conventional treatment.
That left scientists scratching their heads.
How does Yoda ask a rooster to draw a picture?
"Cock, a doodle do."
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said…
…I still love vista baby.
My dad has a heart of a lion
and a lifetime ban from the zoo
[Nsfw] My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high…
She seemed surprised
![[NSFW] Carl what’s wrong with you??](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/6wurac3p4q841-400x462.jpg)
A man died and was waiting in line to get into Heaven.
He was third in line, and overheard St. Peter talking to the other souls. "What were you in life?" St. Peter asked of one man. "I was a personal injury lawyer," came the reply. "Well, come with me," said St. Peter. "I will show you to your quarters." And St. Peter led the man to a sumptuous palace, more glorious than anything on earth. St. Peter returned to the line, and asked the next man what he did in life. The man replied, "In life, I was Pope John Paul II." St. Peter said, "Let me show you to your quarters," and led the Pontiff to a tiny shack made of the crudest materials imaginable. When St. Peter returned to the line, the man started shouting. "That isn't fair! That was the Pope, and you put him in a terrible house, while some nobody of a lawyer gets the finest palace imaginable! This just doesn't seem right." St. Peter shrugged his shoulders. "What can I say? We've got hundreds of popes up here. It's the first lawyer we've ever had."
just stole a tesla
now it’s called edison
What is a Monarchist’s least favorite type of music?
Royalty free music
TIL that Tiger Woods always brings an extra sock with him to his golf tournaments.
Just in case he gets a hole in one.
A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.
A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?" The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip your finger into the holy water, and you may pass through the gate." The second girl, Kelly, says "I once fondled with one…" st Peter replies "alright, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a commotion amongst the group and one of the girls pushes her way to the front. St Peter says "Jennifer! what's the rush?" The girl replies "if I'm going to have to gargle that water I want to do it before Tammy sticks her ass in it!"
My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will…
..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.
What’s the difference between fine wine and fine women?
Fine wine doesn’t try and escape from my cellar.
What do you call Indiana Jones in a Scandinavian river?
Harrison Fjord
My girlfriend is like pi plus the square root of negative one.
Complex, irrational and barely more than a 3.
I can list every single number that’s in Pi.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0.
What do you call a fight between E.T. and a man with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
What do you call a musician in the army?
A tambarine! Thank you! Thank you very much!
How were people born?
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
