Merica’
I’m so good at sleeping…
I can do it with my eyes closed!
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing. It’s on the house.
My son said he was going to read a book by the fire.
I said, "That's a weird name for an author."
Set your WiFi password to 24446666688888888
…so when someone asks what your password is, just tell them it’s: 12345678.
The mystery of childbirth.
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, “How was I born?”His mother awkwardly answers, “The stork brought you.”“Oh,” says the boy. “Well, how were you and Daddy born?”“Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma.”The boy begins his paper, “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”
Australians dont reproduce
They mate
I like to call random numbers and ask whoever answers if it’s the suicide hotline.
When they say no I yell,”GOD DAMMIT I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!” Then I fire my gun in the background and drop my phone.
One of my favourite words in the English language is “frequently”.
I try to use it as often as possible.
There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.
One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job. One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died. "Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
I’ve been saying “mucho” more when talking to my Hispanic friends.
It means a lot to them.
My 13yo has had enough. I disagree.
https://imgur.com/a/b4uxwBM
Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.
As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out. "Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what kind of man I am." Putin takes a pencil and puts it behind his ear. Then he unzips his pants and underwear, and stands there butt naked in front of the three world leaders. "Now, witness the strength of Russia." He puts his stuff through the bars of the cage, and the wolf starts licking his balls. After a few minutes, the wolf starts to nibble with his teeth.. Putin endures it for several seconds, and then when the wolf finally latches on to his penis, he grabs the pencil from behind his ear and pokes the wolf in the eye with the eraser. As the wolf yelps, Putin pulls his package out from the cage and gets dressed. "And that, gentlemen," Putin says as the gets over the pain, "is the strength and power of Russia. Now, show me what your nations are made of. Supreme Leader?" Kim Jong-Un smiles and laughs and says, "No thank you, Mr. President, My, uh… wife would never forgive me." Putin laughs politely and shrugs his shoulders. He then looks to Trudeau. "Mr. Trudeau? Canada has native wolves, show us the strength of Canada!" The Prime Minister looks abashed. "Eh… no, no thank you, sir." This time Putin can't withhold his grin. He finally turns to Donald Trump. "Surely, the world's greatest superpower has a leader of great power! Show us the power of the United States of America!" "I'll tell you what, Vlad, as I call you, I don't mind doing it, I'll be great at doing it, the very best. Just do me a favor, there's no need to poke me in the eye."
I asked my boss, “Can I have a week off around Christmas?” He growled, “It’s May!”
I countered, “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas!?”
Mexico called.
They are willing to pay for the wall now.
Why are dogs afraid to go to space?
Because of the vacuum
Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk…
And the result was staggering.
Ever have your kid come up with a better punchline than your original?
I went to ask my daughter: Where do you park when you visit the moon? (Originally I was gonna say at the parking meteor!) But straight faced she replies: Anywhere you can find space. Then she grinned… (she knew what she was doing)… space dad. get it? in space…. Totally out dad joked by my own daughter.
What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness?
I think I'll call it a day.
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
At school I was always really successful at spelling bees
Other words I found much harder
Who has two thumbs and isn’t afraid of the Chinese Government? This guy.
Edit: 1 thumb Edit:0thumbs
A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead. The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face. The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?" The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?" The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"
Which is Coronavirus’ favorite novel?
Around the world in eighty days.
This one is a little bit political,I hope that doesn’t break any rules
Taiwan:I am China China:No I am China Taiwan:Ok then I am Taiwan China:No you are China
How do you handle a redhead’s temper?
Gingerly.
Me: What’s the WiFi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure, how much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what’s the WiFi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase. EDIT: format
At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.
And three years later, that priest went to prison.
It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona
Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out. This will make sure that a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth. b) nobody will shake hands with you. c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets. d) You will wash your hands thoroughly before you eat.
I don’t think the guy climbing the ladder above me wipes,
It was an unpleasant asscent.
EVERY HAT RACK IN THE HOUSE FELL ON ME.
SORRY, I'M STUCK IN CAPS.
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives
The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.
The rest, as they say, is History.
Robin: Did you name all of the products in the bathroom after yourself Batman?
Batman: Of course not. Robin: Batshampoo? Batman: Okay, yes there is that. Robin:……… Batman: But there is also Conditioner Gordon
I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.
I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas!