Whenever I’m at the therapist’s waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.
Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.
Who is a famous Explorer from the past that has been largely forgotten?
Internet Explorer.
I’m outta here!!
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you…don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone…yeah I know, about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that …… French nightie. I love you…can't wait to see you…we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote. "I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."
Why did the white supremacist not mind going blind?
Because he was used to nazi-ing.
Why do insomniacs have dirty floors?
They have trouble sweeping..
I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.
Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help. "Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!" The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h…how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied: "Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?
So they can see the battlefield.
What rhymes with orange
No it doesn’t.
‘We ran out of protein powder!’
Dad: No whey
I have a scary joke about math but…
I’m 22 to say it.
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
Why did the can-crusher man quit his job?
because it was soda-pressing
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?" The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
A woman in the shower hears the doorbell. “It’s the blind man”. So she answers the door naked…
"Nice bewbs! Now where do you want me to hang the blind?"
Why do dragons sleep at day time?
So they can fight knights.
NSFW
Deciding not to wear a helmet to your construction job.
I’ve always wanted to be a millionaire just like my dad.
He's always wanted to be a millionaire too.
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
I named my eraser Confidence.
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make.
Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, “Ron, I’m gay.”
"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron. "Yeah…that too," says Harry.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
So a vowel saves another vowel’s life.
The other vowel says, “Aye E! I owe you!”
I learned the name of Baby Yoda’s mother…
It's "Yomama"
I saw a movie about tarantulas in my chemistry class.
I'm never stepping foot in that room again.
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here.
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?" Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
Never get in a fight with a T-rex.
You'll get jurasskicked..
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I’d choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Why did the latino man go to the therapist?
To talk about hispanic attacks.
I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
I bought a Christmas tree today.
The shopkeeper asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said “no, it’s going in the living room”.
How to scam a billion Indians to get a million likes
How to scam a billion Indians to get a million likes
Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?
Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
Why did the man refuse to throw out his recliner?
Because they go waaaaaay back.
Did you hear about the viking Rudolph the Red?
He looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain. His wife questioned, "What makes you say that?" He replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
The first rule of Alzheimer’s Club is.
No text found
How do astronauts say sorry?
They apollo-gise
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He won the no-bell prize.