Mess up the formatting
How do you ruin a joke?
I bet the people who invented hand sanitiser are rubbing their hands together.
…the other four letters?
He wanted to put his money where his mouth is
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!
None, he “fell”
Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator." "Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him. Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!" "You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said. Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrator!" The class went dead silent. The teacher told Timmy, "Um Timmy, I don't think vibrators eat things…" Timmy was confused. "Really? My sister told me it ate through batteries like crazy!"
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
I was in a taxi when the driver said“I love my job! I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!”. I said “Great. Now take a left here!”
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
Personally I’m on the fence.
You make them VERY ANGRY.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball." Man – "That's nice." Boy – "Want to buy it?" Man – "No, thanks." Boy – "My dad's outside." Man – "OK, how much?" Boy – "$150" Man – "Sold." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy – "Dark in here." Man – "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?" Boy – "$350" Man – "Highway robbery. Sold." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’
Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’ I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’
My girlfriend said to me, “I’m sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up.”
I said, "Good idea – we can cover more ground that way!"
I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.
“What’s wrong with him?” he asks his assistant. “He came in for some cough syrup,” the assistant explains “but I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead”. “What?!” the chemist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!” “Of course you can,” the assistant declares. “Look at him – he’s far too scared to cough.”
She looked surprised.
'Aright man, nice puppy ya gat there,' said the first Jamaican. 'What's it breed?' The second Jamaican replied, 'Dis ting breed air like all da other puppies, man.'
"I'm going to become a vegan". The other one says "me too" The 1st one says " you do realise we have totally fucked up this joke now it won't be funny " The other one says "yeh well that's vegans for you"
It won't do anything to protect you from getting sick, but people will stay six feet away
I’m pretty disappointed to see so many of you.
Because they couldn't let it go
But when it comes to relationships, they ain't fucking around.
IT'S FUCKING FROZEN!!!
But I never got the chants.
I answered “Why would you think that?” He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there”.
Dress as a professor. They barely cover anything important.
That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
I am staying at a hotel and watched a great movie last night with lots of cowboys, gunfights, and drinking.
It was the Best Western I’ve ever seen.