[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes
Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.
But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."
It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.
You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.
In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.
This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends united and bonded over how corny your dad was. Your friends stopped caring about trying to impress your dad and each other the second he ordered boneless cheese sticks with a big stupid grin.
Corny dads make themselves lightning rods for cringiness so the lightning doesn't strike someone else.
It comes in at one end, and out the udder
A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.
The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!" The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story. The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighbor’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbor’s wife. We had great fun that day!" The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something… umm … sadder?" The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up….. In a sad, soft voice he began: "One day I got lost in the mountains…..
Unfortunately it was from taco bell
They pay for our sins.
Now all I’m China do is to survive
A dead centipede
When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke. When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"
because its dead
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”
When it's told by a Catholic Priest. Then it's a Father joke.
He's got 2020 vision.
DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources – they're very good sources – that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is. Joe Biden: Why did the chicken do the…thing in the…you know the rest. SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick! BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period. AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves. JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road. GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here. DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. AL GORE: I invented the chicken. JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems. OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone. KING DAVID: O Lord, why dost the chicken cross the road? And why art the chicken hawks beset around it? Surely in vain the road is crossed in the sight of any predator. GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? Edit: wow I’m so glad you guys are enjoying this, and my first gold!! Thank you!!!
I asked what she had in mind. "Let's play doctor", she said. I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me. After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
A so-be-it union.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
Me: "That's literally all I drink."
But I’m 22 to say it
And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.
It becomes a laughing stock
Some asshole has their pen.
A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.” He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?” The Jew replies, “Look in the Arab’s back pocket…”
or just mething around?
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said “What’s up…can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?” He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."