MFW(my face when) I see Betty White
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
My boss told me to wear rubber gloves while dealing with customers this week. I told him “Fuck that.”
I’m doing these prostate exams my way.
What’s yellow and can’t swim?
A bus full of children
People say vegans are annoying
But I've never had any beef with them.
I think my neighbor might be stalking me.
She's googled my name a few times, I saw it through my telescope last night
I accodently froze myself to -273 degrees
But don't worry, I'm 0K.
The hairdresser asked me how I wear my hair.
I said, "Sometimes I pull it down over my face and pretend it's a balaclava."
This is my first year not going to Fiji because of Covid-19
Normally i don’t go because I’m poor
My wife told me that I have two flaws:
I never listen. Something else…
A man is poor so he gets a job at the juice store…
He is so happy with his job and he works very hard all day and all night. He impresses his manager and he soon gets promoted to supervisor. As supervisor, he does a great job keeping watch over the employees and is a great leader. After six months, he has done such a good job he gets promoted to manager. When the man is manager, he remodels the juice store and always makes sure he is the last one to leave the store every night. He is very hard-working and always wears a smile. One day, he catches the attention of the company president, who quickly promotes him to the company Vice President. The man is stunned and continues to demonstrate his work ethic everyday. Two months later, the company president passes away and the man is suddenly promoted to the company president. Years later, the man sits in his chair on the top floor of his company building, overlooking all of his hard work. In the distance, he sees all of his juice stores, each one with a long line out the door. He sees the orange juice line, the grape juice line, the lemonade line, but something was wrong. The man suddenly realized his big mistake. There was no punch line.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
Online coding bootcamp image vs reality
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awOI37Uvj0M&feature=youtu.be
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!
How do you make Easter easier?
Replace the t with an i.
“He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword” said Jesus
the carpenter who was nailed to some wood
I had this saved from a while ago, I dunno if this belongs here. (Right to left)
https://ift.tt/2z0JZoE
I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group
So I just came in my pants.
We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills is 90210 but what’s the zip code to Dawson’s Creek?
Spoiler 90108 for our lives to be over…
Someone just called me emotionless
I don't know how to feel about it
A guy hears a noise on his roof. He goes outside and sees a large black bear on the roof.
So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."
Most People Rejected His Message. They Hated Him Because He Told Them The Truth.
https://ift.tt/37geC5M
So much has changed ever since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby!
For instance, my name, address, and telephone number!
[SPOILER] Star Wars
https://imgur.com/lglgd2E
Joker to Batman: “Hey Batman, wanna hear a joke?”
"Yeah sure." Joker: "Ok, parental love". Batman: "I don't get it.." "exactly."
My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled
I told her, "no, I think all kids smell like that."
Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!
Confessing your sins [NSFW i guess]
A guy who had done wrongs in his life went to church to confess He goes to the confessional and the priest asks him P – What sins have you done, son? S – I sinned, father, I went to send something to my sister in law and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her P – That's a big sin but I'll forgive you, son S – Thank you father but i have sinned another time, i went to my mother in law to send her something and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her as well P – That's a second time so that's worse but I'll forgive you my son S – Thank you very much father but i sinned another time, I finished work and before going out it started raining, the secretary and I got stuck in the building, things heated up and i fucked her as well! The priest checks out of the window and sees that it had started to get cloudy and he says P – You better get the fuck out right fucking now
A husband came home with half gallon a of ice cream
and asked his wife if she wanted some. "How hard is it?" she asked. "About as hard as my dick," he replied. "Pour me some."
A blowjob is not an apology
But go slow; I'm listening.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and possibly use lubricant
What do you call a zombie who writes his own music?
A decomposer.