Middle ages boomers be like
Why don’t mitochondria have girlfriends?
Because they're incells.
Trump supporters in a nutshell. This is why America is the way it is right now
https://ift.tt/2vUEW7E
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
I asked, “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
He replied, “No sun.”
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
The policeman despair when telling the lady to go home is both funny and sad.
https://ift.tt/2UpesFh
When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie
We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields. My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse. Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion. Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird like that. I, being a countryside kid, liked horses and riding them. Then they turned on me saying "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shit out of you". They meant it, they'd done it before. Few days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found. Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me. Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the horse. Get bored and climb inside the tire. Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat). Can't stop. Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me. They see me rollin' They hatin' Patrolling Trying to catch me ridin’ Dirty.
Before the clock strikes midnight on Dec. 31 be sure to lift your left leg.
That way you'll start off the new year on the right foot.
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked if I could take two, he said no.
I said, “Can I at least Taekwondo?”
There’s an air base in Massachusetts. I’ve flown above it a few times
Over Andover again
Guy at the bar is so wasted that he throws up on his shirt…
He looks down and says "Man, my wife is gonna be so pissed I puked on myself again" Guy next to him says "Do what I do, I put 10 dollars in my pocket and when my wife sees me, I tell her some asshole at the bar puked on my and gave me the 10 dollars to have it cleaned" The drunk guy thinks this is an awesome solution and proceeds to get home. His wife is waiting for him and starts yelling at him "You got drunk and puked on your shirt again, didn't you?" The guy says "No, what happened is that I was at the bar and this guy puked on me, but he put 10 dollars in my shirt pocket so I can have it cleaned" Wife reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out 2 $10 dollar bills and says "This is not 10 dollars, this is 20!" Guy says "Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too"
My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs?
He did CrossFit.
My wife yelled at me, “You’re not even listening, are you?!”
I shouted back, “That’s a weird way to start a conversation!”
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, “Sir, would you care for a drink?”
I asked her, “what are my options?” She said, “yes or no.”
My wife and I decided not to have kids
The kids are taking it pretty badly
Little Johnny
One day in a school room: The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see The Grand Canyon and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher, being a little hesitant on account of she had been burned by Little Johnny before, finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried.
An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar…
…and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs. The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.” The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front door. 5 minutes later, the Irish Man stumbles in again, this time through the side door. “Barkeep! ‘Ow are ye dis foine evenin’? Oi’ll have a point, if ye will”, he says to the bartender with a smile. “None of that charm will do you any good, sir. Off you go now. Come back when you’re more sober.” “Bah! Foine, foine”, the Irish Man replies, turning around and knocking over a stool before stumbling out the side door. Another five minutes pass, and the Irish Man once again saunters in, this time through the back door. “Barkeep! Oi’ll have a drink, and make er a double!” Having lost his patience, the bartender finally yells “Sir! I will not be serving you any alcohol, and if I see you again tonight, I’ll never serve you another drink!” The Irish man wobbles slightly before squinting his eyes in confusion. “Alright, Alright, Oi’ll be on me way. But before Oi go, Oi’ve one question for ya”, he says, leaning in, “How many fookin’ bars do ye work at anyway?”
Juggling seems fun
But I just don’t have the balls to do it
What’s the best cheese to bait bear traps with
Cammom-bear! (sorry if ya heard this one already)
Hey, I’m not saying Hitler was a great guy.
But he really saved the History channel.
I never really like to follow the crowd.
Which is why I'm useless at protests.
Have you ever tried blindfolded archery?
You don't know what you're missing!
“What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?”
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time…" A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit…"
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise….
My boss asked “what companies? “ Gas, water and electricity.
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
I guess that's why I'm always reposting.
What’s the difference between the 1920s and 2020s?
Depression happens at the start of the decade now.
What’s a narcoleptic’s favorite country?
Hibernation
Why does Waldo wear stripes
Because he doesn't want to be spotted
I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: “Enjoying your meat, murderer?!”
Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.
I’m going to hell for this one….
A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says “I’m sorry folks, but we’ve just lost both engines. We’re going to crash and die.” The teacher exclaims “Oh my God, the poor children!” The lawyer replies “Fuck the children!” The priest asks “Do we have time?”
Why do potatoes make great crime fighters?
Because they always keep their eyes peeled.
You can drop an ant in water to determine its sex
If the ant sinks – girl ant If the ant floats – boy ant
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Our pet duck keeps biting everyone, so I bought a cheap muzzle for it.
Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
If you take something, that’s one thing
If you take something else, that’s another thing
What’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu?
Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment