Middle School Project
A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.
As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for." I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong. I'm going to pull him over and let him know." He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says "Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving." The guy looks up at him and replies: "Well, you've got to be careful when you're drunk."
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
and are followed by 'Batman!'
My mailman got a sex change.
I guess you'd call him a post man now.
My friend just told me that he has a third nipple, and he has decided to get surgery to remove it.
He really needed to get it off his chest.
What did I say when greeting the fashion designer?
"Nice Jimmy Choo."
If you bought a DeLorean…
Would you drive it a lot, or just from time to time?
I don’t understand my wife, once a month she loses her temper at me.
I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.
Never get in a fight with a T-rex.
You'll get jurasskicked..
High grades
The son comes to his father: "Dad, I got a 7.5 on my test" "Congratulations son! In which test?" "Breathalyzer. And they kept your car…"
“Son, you’re adopted”.
Son: "Wow really? I'd never have guessed!". Dad: "Im glad you're taking this so well". Son: "Well I did have my suspicions". Dad: "yes yes, anyway go pack your bags, your new parents will be here in 10 minutes".
Procrastination is like masturbation…
It feels good while you're doing it, but you're only fucking yourself.
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry I am.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic association.
I got fired when I asked a customer if he preferred smoking or non smoking.
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial".
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks for your wifi password you can say 12345678
I’m bald and im going to get a head tattoo of multiple rabbits
So from a distance it looks like hares
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
I hate it when people ask where I see myself in 2 years
I don’t have 2020 vision for gods sakes quit asking me
I gave up my last few hairs to wear a cheap wig.
It's a small-price toupee.
A wife is yelling at her housband “Get out! I hate your guts!”
So her husband packs up his things and walks out the door. As he is walking away his wife screams at him, “ I hope you die a slow and painful death!” He suddenly stops and says, “So, you want me to stay?”
A wife is clearing out her closet
And she finds loads of clothes to put to the charity shop. The husband walks in and says “just throw them away, there’s no need to put them to the charity shop” The wife replies “aye there is, there’s starving children in Africa who could need these clothes” And the husband says “darling if they can fit in your clothes they aren’t starving”
My girlfriend broke up with me when she went away to college.
She said she was majoring in bye-ology.
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail?
She got a full sentence
Anyway, now that she left me I can enjoy playing on my non-Euclidian pool table.
https://ift.tt/2pZnXOG
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the 'no-bell' prize."
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves…
Looks like the boa cons tricked her…
They told me i wouldn’t be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic
But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
One night, beneath a full moon, I cut my hand on a rusty shed.
Now I'm a werehouse.
Is this sub still active?
There have been barely any posts all year.
Just lost my job as a zookeeper
In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"
A woman walks into the farmer’s market and says,
“I’d like to buy some tomatoes.” The clerk says, “I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re all out of tomatoes, and won’t have any for a few days.” So the woman leaves. A few hours later, the same woman shows up and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes.” The clerk says, “I apologize miss, but we’ll be out of tomatoes for the next few days. Actually, weren’t you in earlier today also? How about you give me your number and we’ll call when our shipment comes in.” So she gives him the number and leaves again. Just before the market is getting ready to close, the same woman comes in again and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes” The clerk, exasperated, pulls the woman aside and asks her, “Lady, what would you get if you took the sun out of a sunflower? The woman, sort of confused thinks and then replies, “well, I guess you’d have just a flower.” He says, “Great. Now, what would you get if you took the orange out of orange juice?” The woman, proud of herself responds, “you’d have only juice.” “Okay, good job. Now, what do you get if you take the fuck out of tomatoes?” Perplexed, she finally responds, “wait a minute, there’s no fuck in tomatoes.” He yells in her face, “That’s right, there’s no fuckin’ tomatoes!!!”