Midgets and Dwarfs…
have very little in common.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.” “Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor. “It’s worth a try,” he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.” “What?” says the priest. “What happened?” “You gave birth to a child.” “But that’s impossible!” “I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.” About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.” The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?” The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”
I just got accepted into the most popular anger management group.
It’s all the rage.
My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.”
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8.
My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.
He said, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
They told me i wouldn’t be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic
But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
I watched my first porno film last week….
I looked so much younger then.
I went to the zoo the other day and all they had was a dog
It was a shitzu
I made my son sit through a 1 hour long PowerPoint presentation titled “The utmost importance of wearing a condom”.
All the slides were just photos of him.
My friend did a PhD in palindromes…
He's now known as Dr Awkward.
There’s a lot of big words you’re hearing little buddy, I know it’s confusing …
https://ift.tt/2KkFdp3
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
Congrats to President Daddy for Record Time Passing MEAN PEOPLE BULLY ME ON THE INTERNET ACT
https://ift.tt/36LFRWr
Mom, I’m dating a man.
-Whom, sweetheart? -Dante the mailman. -Dante the mailman? But he could be your father! -But mom, age is just a number. -Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.
Me telling my dad I’m bisexual:
Me: okay, so. I would identify as bisexual. Dad: and that means you would have a male partner Me: yep Dad: and a female partner. Me: yep Dad: and that means your bi Me: yep Dad: so that means if you don’t have a partner your on standbi. Me: Me: Me: Me: did you just
How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.
What do you call a group of Russian pessimists?
A so-be-it union.
I’m bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies…
But I keep punching up the fuck line.
My wife was mad at me for kicking ice cubes under the refrigerator,
but now it's just water under the fridge.
A short Irish guy tricked me into giving him money for his skin disease.
I should’ve known it was a Leper-con.
Hey kids! I put that Waze app in charge of my music playlist.
It keeps telling me to take the Backstreet Boys!
I cooked my friend a steak, perfect medium rare.
He said, I like it well done. I said thanks.
When a short person waves at you….
Its called a microwave
Where does a lumberjack buy his axes?
At the “Chopping Maul.”
When is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
Just got an app that tells me which one of my relatives are racist
It's called Facebook
Three friends stranded on a desert island find a magic lamp…
Three friends stranded on a desert island find a magic lamp. Inside is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish. "I want to go home," says the first friend. The genie grants her wish. "I want to go home, too," says the second friend. The genie sends her back home. "I'm lonely," says the third friend. "I sure wish my friends were back here."
A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday
Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded " I know the abilities of my students. This shit won't even start".
Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.
Those damn mooselimbs.
The waterbed salesman called out to me: “NOW WITH SHIATSU MASSAGE!!!”
"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."
Little Suzie walks in on her parents having sex.
She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her. Mommy, what were you doing to daddy? Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out. The little girl starts laughing. What's so funny hunny? You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!
I met Mick and Keith backstage. I was rude but efficient.
I flipped two stones with one bird.
What is a porn stars favourite drink?
7-up in cider