My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.
However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.
Justice is best served cold
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
Man sits at a bar and orders five shots…
the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough." "Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy." "Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today." A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks. "Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week." "I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house." Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The guy responds, "Yeah…my wife."
I told my wife I was thinking about buying an expensive watch.
Her: How expensive? Me: I dunno. Maybe $25,000. Her: You could buy a car for that! Me: That's a bit excessive — I don't think it needs its own car.
Make sure you get plenty of sleep tonight
Tomorrow we begin a 31 day March!
What happened to the frog’s car when it broke down?
It got toad.
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her front pocket and thinks:
Some asshole has my pen
Did you hear about the hit and run in Nepal?
They found Himalayan in the street!
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c
Because you can't see in the dark
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
Cop: Iβm arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!
Me: Wait, I can explain everything!
I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.
I only got paper, bindings and glue in the mail
True fact: Before the crowbar was invented….
….most crows drank at home.
8 Cyber-Security Blunders told through GIFs
Working in IT can all be very exhausting. For all the chief information security officers (CISOs), IT directors, technicians, and any other IT administrator out there grappling with these complex issues, this blog can hopefully bring a smile to your face on a topic, that can typically be exhausting.https://ift.tt/33YMqDH
Why are French omelettes so small?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings…
I have a complex complex complex…
I was watching Jurassic park the other day,
when I thought, βNot only does my son have a stupid name, but heβs also a shit driverβ.
Yesterday I purchased a world map…gave my wife a dart and said to her ”throw this and wherever it lands, I’m taking you for a holiday”.
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
A man gets pulled over by the police…
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
Gay couples shouldn’t be allowed to raise children
It's child abuse to expose them to twice the amount of dad jokes
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
Did you hear about the guy who invented the shovel?
He just knew it would be groundbreaking.
Waiter: Do you wanna box for your leftover food?
Dad: No thanks, but Iβll wrestle you for them.
My wife is really mad that I donβt have a sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right!
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
Whatβs the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.
The only thing that Flat-Earthers fear.
Is sphere itself.
My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but Iβm not impressed.
I have had a Canon printer for years.