What do you call a bunker with multiple stories?
A layer lair.
I told Mike Tyson about the hippo that’s trained to use a toilet, but he seemed skeptical.
Keeps calling it a hippo potty myth
Why do men give their jackets to women when they are cold?
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth
Three inmates are on the train to the gulag.
One of them decides to start a conversation. “So what did you guys do to end up here? I came to the factory late and they accused me of slowing down the revolution.” The second man says: “I arrived at the factory to early and they accused me of trying to rush the revolution.” The third man says: “I arrived at the factory right on time and they accused me of having a western watch.”
What if the real reason aliens don’t visit us is because…
…we're a one star planet?
Do you have a vagina?
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'. She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'. The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'….. .. 'Yes' she says…… The man replies Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?
A man is staying at an old fashioned pub/inn
Downstairs in the tavern he is drinking before retiring to his room. The innkeep approaches him and proposes a challenge. He has a magical chicken that will grant him one wish if he can beat her in a trivia contest. The man is bemused but accepts the challenge, figuring there’s no harm in indulging him. The man brings out the hen from the back room. The innkeep explains that she only speaks Spanish, but he will translate. The man also speaks Spanish so they decide to have the contest in Spanish. They begin the trivia battle and the chicken wins decisively. The hen speaks perfectly Spanish and answers every question accurately. The man is blown away, a little disappointed not to get his wish but deciding that the novelty of a genius talking chicken was worth the time anyway. He tells in the innkeep about how he didn’t anticipate having such an interesting evening. The innkeeper laughs and says “No one expects the Spanish Inn quiz wish hen.”
My friend’s girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.
Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.
All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
A Buddhist refused anaesthetic during a root canal procedure. His goal?
Transcend dental medication.
I cried when my mom chopped onions
Onions was a good dog.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons are, while the fourth is using the bathroom. Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferrari. Guy 2: That's nothing, my son owns an airliner company and just gave his best friend a jet. Guy 3: Well my son is more successful than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a mansion Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys. Guy 4: Hey guys, what are we talking about? Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are. Guy 4:Well, my son is a gay stripper. Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life. Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a mansion from his three boyfriends.
A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.
He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?" Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help." Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?" Officer: "On average, about two gallons."
Jesus walks into a bar
“Just twelve waters please!” Winks at disciples
I had to break up with my tennis-playing girlfriend
Love meant nothing to her.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I said, I don't hate your relatives, in fact, I like your mother in law a lot more than I like mine
I like my women like I like my coffee,
hot and all over my crotch when I’m driving.
What do affordable healthcare and sarcasm have in common?
Most Americans don't get it.
Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children’s home.
Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song
giving us time to change the song.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches?
…because then it would be a foot
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.
In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?” Nun : "Mother Superior told me." Man : "So, have you ever tried it?" Nun : "No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor." Man : "Well, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life." Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking." The man goes up to the bartender and says, “Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.” The bartender looked at the man and said, “Is that nun in here again?”
I drank some food coloring and I dyed a little inside.
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
My wife said she is leaving on account of my sexual fetishes
I said fine! slam the door on my cock on the way out