Might as well do it
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
..that the doctors really screwed up my mouth surgery.
It's Lay Hee Hoo
Then the librarian told me to take it out.
Especially if you go to a party dressed as a land mine.
Nothing, they fast.
The catapult worked well
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
A head banger
The only thing I like about gay s3x is that it doesn’t involve women😉
I said to the waitress, "Can I see the menu please?" She said,"the men I please has nothing to do with you".
Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it. Wife: And when does that part come? Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.
I have no words to describe how angry I am…
I really need to wash some mugs.
Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating. Jack asked, "Son, what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?? His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!"
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young.”
I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”
slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph. . ’ Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ’ Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. . The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’ ’Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’ ’You’re ovulating, ’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’ ’Never, ’ said Ralph. ’Well, just relax and let it happen, ’ says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal. ’ Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell. . . . . "Ralph! Wake up you dirty bastard. You've shit the bed"
The rabbit says, “I think I might be type o.”
"Make me one with everything."
Then it's a soap opera
really makes me consider the fusillity of life.
….really give me the crêpes.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.
Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror.
Cause you’re blocking the TV
I just want to make myself clear.
and lowers it
50 cent ft. Nickelback
Son – “No, it is cotton. Here,” as he reaches his arm out to me and I touch his sleeve. Dad – “It’s felt now.”
Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.
But the taxidermist only did her back half. It was a cat-ass-trophey.
I'm not sure how I feel about that at the moment.
My statistics professor told us that the larger the sample size, the more reliable are your averages.
The N’s justify the means.
So they could Scandinavian