Might as well put a red circle around the caption while you’re at it
Tinder is the opposite of porn ads….
There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.
First-year veterinary students were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it…….followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting. When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.”
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
There’s radical feminist plot to attack the postal service…
They heard it was a mail dominated industry.. ( Possibility OC?)
Why did the transgender person disappear after they gave birth?
They became transparent.
If someone gave you $1,000,000 to replace their fuse…
would you refuse?
Chewbacca crashed the Millenium Falcon the first time he flew it.
Wookiee mistake.
What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?
Oh, high marks.
Why is masturbation just like procrastination?
It’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.
What did the bee say to the daffodil? 🌼
Hey bud, when do you open? 😆
What’s a pirates least favourite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
An art thief broke into the Louvre.
Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings. He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building. Without a moment's hesitation, he kicked the van into high gear and sped away. However, his van ran out of gas less than 5 minutes later, and he was caught and arrested by the police. "I don't understand", Said the police officer. "How could you plan all that so carefully, yet forget to fill up your gas tank?" To which the thief replied: "But monsieur! Zat is exactly why I stole ze paintings! I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make ze Van Gogh!"
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain.
Three warriors and a female troll enter the Colosseum.
The first, wielding a sword, attacked the massive lady-beast head on but was quickly dispatched. The 2nd, wielding a flail was picked up and thrown across the arena like a toy. The 3rd warrior knew he could not defeat the troll by conventional means and with that, he charged at the troll as fast as he could, slid between her thighs and aggressively performed oral sex on her. The crowd cheered as the trolls knees buckled and her body shivered. The other two warriors brushed themselves off and ran over to provide aid but found that the troll had been rendered defenseless. The first warrior watched the crowd and then began to shout: "We are warriors!" "We are heroes!" And as he looked upon the 3rd warrior wiping his chin with his sleeve, he smiled and shouted: "But above all! WE ARE GLADIATOR!"
Why do insomniacs have dirty floors?
They have trouble sweeping..
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.
She spat it right back in my face. Credits: Jimmy Carr
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
Told the guy in the computer shop that I wanted a hard drive.
He said I should try when it's icy on the roads.
I have a perfect memory.
I honestly can’t remember a single time I’ve ever forgotten anything.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
It is very rare for a defibrillator to fail.
When it happens, though, nobody is shocked.
Do you want to know why I love this floor?
It's always been so supportive.
My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I said Yes.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $1000 to cover the loss.
I understand now why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.
Regardless of price, Velcro is always a rip off
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I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I had a pun about insanity
but then I lost it.
Kid: What’re you eating, dad? Dad: Well, let’s see… whole grains, mashed fruit and bean paste. Kid: Ewwwwwww!
Dad: What’s wrong? I thought you loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!