Milk is the fastest liquid on earth

has beaten every opponent he's been up against and is now going international. Before the match against the Russian champion, his coach sits him down. "Now, look, you're faster and more agile than this guy. He's big and strong, but just keep moving and let him tire himself out and you can beat him." "Got it, coach," says the wrestler. "One more thing," says the coach. "He's got this hold called the Pretzel Hold that no one has ever escaped from. Whatever happens, don't let him get you in the Pretzel Hold cause then it's all over." "Got it, coach," says the wrestler. "Stay out of the Pretzel Hold." The match starts and in five seconds the redneck is in the Pretzel Hold. A groan goes up from the American spectators and the coach buries his face in his hands, unable to watch. Suddenly, there's a tremendous yell and a thump from the mat and the crowd bursts into cheers and applause. The coach looks up and sees the Russian out cold on the mat and the redneck standing over him. Before he can get up into the ring the crowd rushes in and hoists the redneck into the air, celebrating his victory. Half an hour later, the coach and the redneck are alone and able to talk. "What happened out there?" asks the coach. "I mean, one second you're in the hold, and next thing I know, you've won. How?" "Well," says the redneck, "I don't know how he got me in the hold so fast, but once I was in it, I was pretty much unable to move anything but my head. So, I looked up, and there was a pair of testicles dangling right in front of my face. So, I did the only thing I could do. I craned my neck forward and bit fown." "Ah, so that's how you beat him?" said the coach. "Not exactly," said the wrestler. "You'd be surprised how much strength you have when you've just bitten down on your own testicles."

‌‌They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌eren't m‌‌an h‌‌aters! For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

Early-access

I replied, " No, is that still required?"

because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man. "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except ?" said the old man, and then he stopped. "Except what?" asked the businessman. "Nothing, nothing," said the old man. "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman. "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said. "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. The businessman said, "I'll take it!" The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

You use a sea saw!

Apparently the polite term is conjoined twins

I said no, but I can do a good Bohemian Rhapsody

http://bit.ly/2WXImOS

But I laugh more.

I’ve been working on it tirelessly.

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked. The monk replied "religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

нетФликс

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities… "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced… "The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out…"How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

Me: Technically I can’t.

She laughed, “Your name never came up in conversation.”

I think he's lost the plot…

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

B: "If I die, will you find a new boyfriend?" G: "NOOO! I'll never be with another guy, I'll rather go and stay with my sister! What would you do if I die?" B: "I would also stay with your sister"

and then it hit me (i posted this in r/dadjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)

In Japan, he picks up a hooker and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting: Hasimota! Hasimota! Since the man obviously didn't know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of an excitement noise. The next morning he meets with a few japanese businessmen on a golf course. One of the businessmen makes a shot and, surprisingly, scores a hole in one. Everyone applauds and the foreign man, wanting to sound clever, shouts: Hasimota! The man who scored the shot turns to him and asks in confusion: "What do you mean 'Wrong hole!'?"

It becomes a laughing stock

I said, "That's my term, Eric."

Her face lit up when I proposed

I think I managed to cover my tracks…

Which takes the total number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

because I'm always right.

The bartender says, "Sorry but you're gonna have to leave; we don't serve noble gases here." Helium does not react

There have been barely any posts all year.

When he sees a woman on a shady corner. He goes up to ask if she's alright and she responds "I'm a hooker, are you interested?" The man decides to live a little and takes her up on her offer and they go back to his car and go at it like rabbits. Some time during, a cop pulls up and knocks on the window. "Excuse me sir what exactly are you doing?" The man answers "I'm having sex with my wife" The cop replies with "I apologize, I didn't know." The man responds with "Me neither until you shined that flashlight"

A laughing stock!

It goes through a jarring experience.

and not a pop quiz?

It really makes my day

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance…

Turns out it was just saturday night fever (Taking advantage of a very narrow humour window!)