Milk is the fastest liquid
It's pasteurized before you've even seen it
By legalizing cannabis and same sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly.
" A man who lays with another man should be stoned. " (Leviticus 20: 13)
Did you know the keyboard never sleeps
Because it has two shifts
Friends are like snowflakes:
When you pee on them, they disappear
I would avoid the sushi if I were you
it seems a little fishy
The janitor in my apartment complex asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with a high maintenance woman.
Whatâs Forrest Gumpâs Wi-Fi password?
1Forrest1 Edit: Thanks for the Silver Award
My wife was just swapping out objects on the mantle, and my son asked why she was putting bamboo up there.
I told him she was decorating for Halloween, and they both just gave me a flat look. Then with a grin on my face I simply said bamBOO!! Much to my wifeâs dismay my 6 year old has been repeating it for the last 20 minutes.
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husbandâs key in the door. âStay where you are,â she said. âHeâs so drunk he wonât even notice youâre in bed with me.â
the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: âHey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. Whatâs going on?â âYouâre so drunk you miscounted,â said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there. The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, youâre right.
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
My hot as hell lesbian neigbors asked me to be to sleep with them so they could have a baby. We’ve been trying for three years now.
I haven't got the heart to tell them I got a vasectomy five years ago.
I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier
So going to the bathroom could spell disaster
Whatâs the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and use it again.
There were two christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''. So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'. The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak!
Did you know I like dad jokes about eyes?
The cornea the better
I used to hate facial hair.
But then it grew on me.
People are so sad Iâm not entering the bake off this year.
Even their cakes are in tiers.
My staircase was getting a lot of buzz, then it blew up
Itâs gone spiral
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
Presidents
Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents: â We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws eggs, fruits – saw somebody throwing a pineapple at him; he get spit a lot and we swear at him aloud … â Here, In Russia, when Putin passes by, everybody urinates on him, but you know, everybody! – Well, let's be serious; I exaggerated a little … we swear at Trump, but in a whisper … we throw at him … but in front of our TVs … – Well, I exaggerated a bit as well … We really urinate, but we don't put our pants down … [Now: not a native speaker, so mistakes should be overlooked, of course, I hope it's not a repost]
A cannibal at the office had trouble finding his lunch…
So I offered to lend him a hand
My Dad really messed up his wrists dragging his car from England to France.
He got car-pull-tunnel syndrome.
I asked my English teacher where the last name Smith came from
"Well," he said, "in the past family names were often descriptive. People who forged iron for a living were called smiths, so that eventually led to the last name Smith." 'Is that where names likes Fisher come from too?' I asked. "Yes," he replied, "that's exactly where they come from." 'Thank-you,' I gushed, 'you're the best teacher ever Mr. Dickinson!'
How to tell if your rich
When a cop pulls you over, he tells you a joke.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape
Breathe idiot, breathe!
A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.
âI need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugsâ, he said. âBy all means officer, just donât go in that field over thereâ, I replied. The DEA officer exploded, saying âDo you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!â, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, âDo you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and Iâll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!â I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life being chased by my angry rodeo bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life. I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs, âYour badge, show him your fucking badge!â
A man in court says, “I’m not saying anything without my lawyer present.”
Cop: "But you are the lawyer…" Lawyer: "Exactly, So where's my present?"
nooo you cant just increase released energy exponentially! Haha neutron printer go brrrr
https://ift.tt/36N0wJG
Iâve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
Itâs all about raisin awareness
What sort of lights to Noah use on the Ark?
Flood lights
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline become apparent.
Man asks the Waitress: “Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
The waitress slaps his face and answers really pissed: "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
Finally finished my huge book on the history of clocks.
It's about time.
My brother didn’t like jail
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell. Then all the other bells started to ring.
Went to the sperm bank today…
The lady asked if I would like to masterbate in the cup? I said 'I'm good, but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament just yet'.
A boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework is to learn the difference between theory and reality…
The father says âson, thatâs easy. Iâll give you an example. Go into the kitchen and ask your mother if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollarsâ. After a short while the son comes back from the kitchen and says âfather, I have spoken with mother and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollarsâ. The father says âokay, now go upstairs and ask your sister if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollarsâ. After a short while the son comes down the stairs and says âfather, I have spoken with my sister and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollarsâ. The father says âThere you have it son, thatâs the difference between theory and reality. In theory, weâre sitting on two million dollars. In reality, weâre living with a couple of slutsâ.
Mothers have Mothers day, father’s have Father’s day, couples have Valentine’s day
and I have Palm Sunday.
I’m honestly getting concerned when thinking about this.
I’m honestly getting concerned when thinking about this.