Dad: great, I'm taking you the strip club tonight. 18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that. Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.
Let's go ride bikes!
Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting, to which Sherlock replied…
“Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”
So my 8yo son wanted to learn programming. He fiddled around with LOGO when suddenly he started swearing like never before…
.. I went over to him trying to calm him down and figure out what was wrong. He shouted at the screen that “this damn turtle won’t draw what he told it to”. At this moment he went completely silent starring at his code. Then he performed his first genuine face palm stating that he forgot to put the “pendown”.Yes dear son, this is how programmers feel literally every day.
The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"
It’s a total ripoff
But he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
a pain in the ass
A can't opener.
A baked potato.
One turns to the other and says “you take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group” The other says “what?” The first cowboy says “you herd”
“Do you need a bag sir?” Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly
I’ll beheading there soon.
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats……..boy ant.
… because you’ve taken my breath away.
There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs. 'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.' The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out. 'Spider, walk left' The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced. 'Spider, move right.' The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe. The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence. 'Move left' The spider didn't move. 'Move right' Nothing. Forward, backward, no response. 'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'
The other vowel says, “Aye E! I owe you!”
She worked knights.
She said "Aisle B, back".
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."
Now she's a shovel
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
It's what he would have wanted…
Apparently I was only supposed to choose one…
He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?" The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave." "You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/shey pronouns."
But oral sex? That's just a matter of taste.
A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode off. "Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered. "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."