Millennials in 2019
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with tits?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS
My cousin tries to keep posting jokes on this sub, but gets repeatedly banned by the mods.
He’s my cousin, twice [removed].
Mars: I’m wet.
NASA: I’m coming over.
The FBI had an open position for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her" The man said, "You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes," I tried, but I cant kill my wife." The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife home. Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks he said. I had to strangle that bitch to death."
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
Why didn’t 4 jump into the pool?
Because they were 22
How to fall down the stairs
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 6 Step 12 Step 24
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern?
They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.
We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”
I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”
After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to his house for a party.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
My roommate says our house is haunted
I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.
Apparently, the repairs to Big Ben are going to take three years to complete.
That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.
What did the tie say to the hat?
I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head
I discovered eggs Benedict is best served on a vintage hubcap.
Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
I pinned a Rolex to the post just outside my house
It's the neighborhood watch.
I was watching Jurassic park the other day,
when I thought, “Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he’s also a shit driver”.
Why doesn’t 7 have any frends?
he's odd.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work…
We were able to lift his coffin.
Did you know 2×10 is same as 2×11 ?
One is twenty and other is twenty too.
What do you call 100 rabbits in a single file line marching backwards?
A receding hare line.
Not all math puns are bad…
Just sum…
A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.
That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere. As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor. The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line. As the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guys balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque. Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what's going on… "These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan." He says, "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home." The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments. After 6 long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives. "Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?" Asks the replacement. "And what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?" "Well, I'll be honest with you", replies the marine, "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line."
Everybody at our wedding cried
Even the cake was in tiers
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, “Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?”
Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he took off his clothes and started banging his manhood on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"
I love how earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
I was walking through a quarry…
I said to the foreman, “That sure is a big rock!” “Boulder,” he corrected me. So I stuck out my chest and shouted, “THAT SURE IS A BIG ROCK!!”