MINECRAFT
“Boss, can I have a week off around Christmas?”
Boss: It’s May. “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”
My wife dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
I own a farm and this morning one of my farmhands was dancing naked in front of the tractor.
I asked what the hell are you doing? He said his wife and him were having problems and the marriage counselor told him he had to do something sexy to a tractor.
I don’t know why most people think a dogs life is so easy.
Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.
I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
Every morning I get hit by the same bike
It's a vicious cycle…
Why does Peter Pan always fly?
Because he can neverland.
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
What is muffins spelled backwards?
Exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.
My girlfriend was born without her little toe and the sight of her foot makes me physically ill.
My therapist said I'm lack toes intolerant.
What do you call a doctor who is always on call?
An oncologist.
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
A fizziscian
I watched a movie about graphs last night, but I was slightly disappointed.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
I took my dog, Flip, to the skate park with my son. I swear that kid is crazy.
He said, "Dad, do you want to see me kick Flip?"
A priest, a nun, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says, "I think I'm a Type-O"
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
Where do suicide bombers go after they die?
Everywhere. Edit: Whoa thanks for the toilet seat.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships when returning to port?
So they can Scan da Navy in
Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?
Time will tell.
Real dad joke story time.
I was in a medieval literature class in college and the professor asked the class, "what can we tell about courtly love." To which I respond, "well, she wasn't much help to Kurt Cobain." No one laughed while I beamed with pride at my joke.
I bought a pencil that was claimed to be owned by William Shakespeare, but the lettering’s all faded.
I’m not sure whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
What comes out if you cross a mosquito and an elephant?
I dunno but I really do hope that thing doesn't bite…
I was putting the outlet cover back on the wall while my wife was working at the computer with her back to me…
She said “what are you doing? What is that noise?” I said “I’ve been screwing around behind your back.” She whipped around in shock and saw me, screwdriver in hand, screwing in the outlet cover. I found it way more entertaining then she did.
A woman is walking down the street when she bumps into an old friend she hasn’t seen in a long time. They sit down on a bench and catch up on their lives.
Friend: So do you have any kids? Woman: Yes, I have 5 boys. Friend: Nice! What are their names? Woman: Steve. Friend: You mean… All of them are named Steve? Woman: Exactly, it's so much easier that way! It's hard enough to supervise 5 boys playing together, it's even worse if I have to call them one by one. All I have to do is shout "STEVE!!!" and they all turn around immediately! Friend: But what if you only want to talk to one of them at a time? How do you differentiate them? Woman: Oh, well in that case, I just call them by their last name…
Why did the guy with a lisp hit on the girl with the flu?
Because she was thicc
I cooked my friend a steak, perfect medium rare.
He said, I like it well done. I said thanks.
WONKA: Congratulations Charlie! My chocolate empire is yours
CHARLIE: That’s wondrous! WONKA: Now, first thing will be handling this PR crisis. CHARLIE: Wait, wha- WONKA: A lot of kids just died in your factory, Charlie. And there’s a rumor that you apparently own slaves? Edit: credit for this amazing joke https://mobile.twitter.com/WenzlerPowers/status/1181625842885124096?s=20&utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.