Minion
I used to know a guy who did circumcision [NSFW]
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding …
She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again!
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts
British Humour
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!' An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.
I was speechless.
BK’s new commercial is questionable at best (I am never eating there again)
BK’s new commercial is questionable at best (I am never eating there again)
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought
Wow this is ledge ‘n dairy
Bro, can you pass me that leaflet?
Brochure.
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmation.
It was the least I could do for him.
Still no toilet paper at the store today…
My dad said they’re wiped out
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "Turd World Countries".
I dig… You dig… He dig… She dig… We dig… They dig…
Now it's not a very beautiful poem… But it's quite deep
My neighboor rang my doorbell at 5 am..
Luckily I was already up, playing drums.
Why don’t Jews eat pussy?
It's too close to the gas chamber. Edit: Jesus Christ, look at that, I got silver! Not 30 pieces, but anyway.
Have you ever tried blind folded archery?
You don't know what you're missing
Just found out I’ve failed my German exam…
Sacre bleu!
What’s red and bad for your teeth.
A house brick.
I just downloaded the Bohemian Rhapsody movie.
I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though – I see a little silhouetto of a man.
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. ‘Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.
When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?" The ignorant bastard just ignored me.
Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
What do you call Sad Island weather?
A Tropical Depression
My wife just left me
because of my insecurities. Wait, she's back. Just went out to pick the mail.
If I had a dollar for every racist thing I’ve said
some minority would probably mug me for it.
As soon as you find someone with 10,000 bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they’re a keeper.
I was having trouble fastening my seat belt
and then it just clicked
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
I put adderall into my Ford Fiesta
Now it’s a Ford Focus
If you’re not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.
I watched a documentary on frogs the other day
It was ribbiting.
Who can drink two liters of gasoline?
Jerry can!
Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him “would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?”
Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".
Genie: Okay what’s your last wish?
Me: I wish I had a tail. Genje: Wejrd but okay.
For real tho
For real tho